Oh, I felt this one deeply. I’m sitting here waiting for the medicine to dry on my leg and saw this story in my email. Your title caught my eye, as it’s one of the titles I’m considering for my “special” book.
Ever since “you-know-what happened,” I have been denied invitations to weddings, birthday parties, family holiday dinners, special events, etc. Before it all happened I was ALWAYS invited to these events. I was someone. I mattered. Now I’m the outcast, the one that doesn’t matter. The invisible one.
Just this morning, I was ousted and denied entry to a place I’ve been going to every day for the past three years. I was getting to be too “visible” for the normal people. They couldn’t have that. Now things have gotten much, much harder for me to do the things I need to do. I’m going to miss the friends I made there but, truth be told, they weren’t really my friends in the end. Friends don’t treat you like an outcast.
Dear Friend, I can't stand that this happened to you and I am very familiar with your story from the get-go. It's incredibly sad that we can't choose love. Not necessarily best friends, etc., -- just love. A little comfort now and then. We, too, have to be willing to show up though (if we get asked). But when we know our family member or friend is in a very tough circumstance - like you have been -- we can reach out to say, "do you need help or a ride to the event -- we'd love for you to be there, etc." - Going the extra mile is something that people are too preoccupied to do. I know if I was living near you I would have tried to make you feel comfortable going to an event. When we fall on hard times - it seems it just gets rubbed in rather than the simple act of including that person. I know in our family we have family members that are very shy to come to events -- due to the "casting out" that happened many years ago. Time passes so quickly and then it feels too late to show up. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself into a group of people "called family" that so easily write us off and separates us. No matter our human status or whatever that is according to others or ourselves - we are all humans and subjected to this terrible picking and choosing of family members. We have personally known this hurt for 40 years and there comes a time where you have to love yourself enough to draw the boundary line that has been long drawn for you. It's not new. We have just lived with it for too long in our minds -- made ourselves unnecessarily anxious and sick over it --- allowing that head-space of hurt to be continually rented out. And all of that anxiety is because we constantly lay out hope for change -- but it doesn't come. Best to draw that mental line, be polite and loving in the moment -- and move forward. I know you know. I am so very sorry it got worse. I am still praying for better Kristi. Love you. oxox
Outstanding work, Deborah. I think we have all had these moments, and nothing feels worse than being invited somewhere you're not really welcome. Great exploration!
[Also? I DID receive your post in my email, but did NOT get a notification that you tagged me in it. Substack's 'hiccups' continue 😐 ]
Thank you so much Stone! This means a TON!! We all have these moments, longing seasons, entire lifetimes -- but we are very capable of being kind/polite/loving - while not feeling it to be disingenuous -- we just have to follow a greater power into the events or circumstances that leave us feeling this way. Sit with something greater than ourselves. It's up to us.
And Substack is such a mess - that I just recorded something about it to subscribers -- Right now it's a crapshoot whether or not any notification will work. For about six months I see subscriptions dropping - no increases whatsoever -- and read that not only the bots do this - but people get super annoyed over emails from us all the time. I do not have the button on that lets me know about "who" unsubscribes -- I just watch numbers out of interest now. Most of my unsubscribes happen 2 minutes after I publish something new (many notifications going to email ) -- so I wrote to subscribers about how to deal with their notifications. It's on their end. But honestly, none of it seems to be working fluidly.
Thank you Deborah, my heart felt this one, because a close family members’s daughter completely ghosted him for no reason. 😔 He hasn’t spoken to her in years, and met his granddaughter only once. Years ago he went to her wedding because his parents threatened not to go if he wasn’t included. So by force he was given an invite to the event and it was an uncomfortable experience for him, and I’m sure her. But her grandparents sent her a strong message by threatening not to attend that I hope she heard, but I don’t think so.
So thank you for putting this out there. It’s speaks to everyone in one way or another. ✨💜🙏
Charlotte, this also broke my heart. It’s the story we are familiar with. The one that got me here. The one I wrote about here — is for all of it. For all this casual estrangement that has been going on forever in families. The picking and choosing.
What you are talking about - it’s “mostly” the girls doing it (or encouraging it) and it’s sudden. Please tell your family member to buy the book “Done With the Crying” by Sheri McGregor. It really helped us to know we weren’t alone in this kinda new mess with the mostly young millennials and their casual estrangement from their parents. It’s very, very sad — this book explains a lot. Happy to hear the grandparents stood up to her - Even if it didn’t work - it’s a loud message that there won’t be any game playing. Sending my love and prayers to your relative. oxox
Life is hard and people make it harder.We come with nothing to this earth and leave with nothing.Its not how much money or titles we acquire.Its who we are that counts, our spirit within guides us and shows us we are Loved by God in Jesus name.Thanks Deborah for your words.🙏🕊️♥️ X.
Yes, it is! Life is a constant striving to keep the faith and keep our heads held high. It starts with us. Everything you say. We begin with nothing. So humility and not judging others is vital. A deeply personal relationship with Jesus (that the world can't interfere with, even inside of the church with others who also are human and susceptible to judging/division) is our best guide. We are so loved by Him and He doesn't want these divisions and hurts -- the Devil does. So we must stay strong and strive for better -- but also know where to draw the line for our health and seek living for heaven. Thank you Mary. Sending you so much love today and for the weekend. For always. oxox
So much truth here. Once you accept you don’t belong in a family system and let them go, it’s so much easier. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long! And the class system is alive and well. I will never feel anything other than working class, even though I worked my way out of it. That chip on my shoulder won’t drop off, no matter how hard I shake it! 🤗✨
I 100% agree Trudi. It’s about acceptance and letting it go. Still being kind - but not as hopeful I guess. I, too, wish it hadn’t taken me so long.
We too will only feel working class. I get it and see that chip on my husband who works hideous hours — always on that budget. We’re happy though with hard days work and giving the best of ourselves to the people we serve. I know you know. Sending you a big hug and much love. oxox
Since the “event of ‘20”, I don’t hear much from the extended family which at one time was oh so close. Some of it is self imposed since I just don’t like hanging with people much in general anymore.
I found out yesterday that my godfather passed (like last weekend). It was 2:30 in the afternoon and after 30 minutes of research, I found the wake was last night from 4-8 with a mass today. I didn’t want to do the mass so today was out, and I wrestled with going or not going last night. It would have been 100 miles round trip and frankly I just didn’t have it in me. The odd thing though was this. I looked up to the heavens and asked Bob if he’d send me some sign he was ok with me not making the wake. As I was playing my word game last night (similar to a word scramble), about a half hour in, his last name came up scrambled in the puzzle. Definitely a wow moment and I did feel better.
Outcast ? No I don’t think so, at least not intentional (I hope). But maybe for the most part just simply forgotten. Outta sight, outta mind. As I said, some of it is a little self imposed. Some of it was a result of just shitcanning Facebook. But, yeah, this struck a nerve. Sadly, I’d rather be forgotten than put in the obligatory uncomfortable situation.
Thank you. At least I feel like I’m not the only one. I do miss the days of old when people in general were a little more civil.
Dear Ken, man, this kinda broke my heart. I completely get this in more ways than I can express. For us, for some of our cast-out other family, for so many stories. It does actually create the apathy (plus the pandemic did a number on us all) — but to find out so last minute about your Godfather? That’s horrible. Like I said, I get this right in the heart.
This casual family division has been going on a long time - but I always say the devil is after the family — because it’s God’s first love.
Sending you a big hug and I’m sorry for the loss of your Godfather. oxox
Thanks Deborah. I’m good. I can’t remember the last time I saw him, probably when his wife passed many many years ago. I believe in the messages from above thing, but to see his name come up in that word scramble was amazing.
This is so iinteresting,Deborah. I just finished Emily P Freeman's book-How to Enter a Room. Its really a misnomer. It's about leaving rooms that no longer serve you. About hallways...where you wait for a new room. Very interesting, because I've left so many rooms through the years. The main one being the cult church I was trapped in for 20 years. Some are more subtle. Friendships that fade. Family members that grow cold because of medical decisions that you made. God pulling me out of a large evangelical church I attended with my kids into a tiny local church full of elderly people. City council rooms. Addiction. Homeless room with no walls or roof. At times, I realized that God was pulling me away from people, places and ideas that didn't fulfill his plans for my life. Some, he dragged me from, kicking and screaming. But I get it. It hurts. It feels uncomfortable. Unnatural. Uneasy. God never wants us to be complacent. I think he calls it lukewarm. Much love, my Dear Deborah.
Rosemary, I need to add this book to my increasing pile of books! It sounds like a very worthwhile read. I can't begin to tell you how much your entire comment resonated with me. Every word you wrote -- I felt. John and I have been unlikely outcasts in his family for our entire marriage - along with another brother and his wife. A terrible decision of picking and choosing that continues like a cyclical drinking problem. Every single family seems to have this element. But it's not just the family. It's the playground, work, church, etc. We are all humans living inside of a world hospital. Some of us want to heal, some of us don't and many of us don't recognize there's a problem. It's as casual as a drink of water -- with deadly consequences. We can choose to be sick over it. I have been done with it for awhile - since 2020 -- but I'm really in that space of walking forward with kindness, yet all weights mentally removed that anything would ever change. We stop longing at some point and it's good for us. There is a lot to long for and God is No. 1. Long for the relationship with Him, with creation, with nature, with those who stay consistent in our lives. No, He doesn't want us to be complacent, lukewarm and sick. Managed dogs. But we do this to ourselves. The difference is we can work to get away from this mental bondage and draw some lines in the sand without anger and biting or being completely shut down. With Him -> still loving and kind. Without Him -> is not a choice for us.
Much love right back to you dear Rosemary. (oh and I saw this comment come through twice -- which happens -- so I removed one of them). oxox
Oh, I felt this one deeply. I’m sitting here waiting for the medicine to dry on my leg and saw this story in my email. Your title caught my eye, as it’s one of the titles I’m considering for my “special” book.
Ever since “you-know-what happened,” I have been denied invitations to weddings, birthday parties, family holiday dinners, special events, etc. Before it all happened I was ALWAYS invited to these events. I was someone. I mattered. Now I’m the outcast, the one that doesn’t matter. The invisible one.
Just this morning, I was ousted and denied entry to a place I’ve been going to every day for the past three years. I was getting to be too “visible” for the normal people. They couldn’t have that. Now things have gotten much, much harder for me to do the things I need to do. I’m going to miss the friends I made there but, truth be told, they weren’t really my friends in the end. Friends don’t treat you like an outcast.
Dear Friend, I can't stand that this happened to you and I am very familiar with your story from the get-go. It's incredibly sad that we can't choose love. Not necessarily best friends, etc., -- just love. A little comfort now and then. We, too, have to be willing to show up though (if we get asked). But when we know our family member or friend is in a very tough circumstance - like you have been -- we can reach out to say, "do you need help or a ride to the event -- we'd love for you to be there, etc." - Going the extra mile is something that people are too preoccupied to do. I know if I was living near you I would have tried to make you feel comfortable going to an event. When we fall on hard times - it seems it just gets rubbed in rather than the simple act of including that person. I know in our family we have family members that are very shy to come to events -- due to the "casting out" that happened many years ago. Time passes so quickly and then it feels too late to show up. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself into a group of people "called family" that so easily write us off and separates us. No matter our human status or whatever that is according to others or ourselves - we are all humans and subjected to this terrible picking and choosing of family members. We have personally known this hurt for 40 years and there comes a time where you have to love yourself enough to draw the boundary line that has been long drawn for you. It's not new. We have just lived with it for too long in our minds -- made ourselves unnecessarily anxious and sick over it --- allowing that head-space of hurt to be continually rented out. And all of that anxiety is because we constantly lay out hope for change -- but it doesn't come. Best to draw that mental line, be polite and loving in the moment -- and move forward. I know you know. I am so very sorry it got worse. I am still praying for better Kristi. Love you. oxox
Outstanding work, Deborah. I think we have all had these moments, and nothing feels worse than being invited somewhere you're not really welcome. Great exploration!
[Also? I DID receive your post in my email, but did NOT get a notification that you tagged me in it. Substack's 'hiccups' continue 😐 ]
Thank you so much Stone! This means a TON!! We all have these moments, longing seasons, entire lifetimes -- but we are very capable of being kind/polite/loving - while not feeling it to be disingenuous -- we just have to follow a greater power into the events or circumstances that leave us feeling this way. Sit with something greater than ourselves. It's up to us.
And Substack is such a mess - that I just recorded something about it to subscribers -- Right now it's a crapshoot whether or not any notification will work. For about six months I see subscriptions dropping - no increases whatsoever -- and read that not only the bots do this - but people get super annoyed over emails from us all the time. I do not have the button on that lets me know about "who" unsubscribes -- I just watch numbers out of interest now. Most of my unsubscribes happen 2 minutes after I publish something new (many notifications going to email ) -- so I wrote to subscribers about how to deal with their notifications. It's on their end. But honestly, none of it seems to be working fluidly.
Thank you Deborah, my heart felt this one, because a close family members’s daughter completely ghosted him for no reason. 😔 He hasn’t spoken to her in years, and met his granddaughter only once. Years ago he went to her wedding because his parents threatened not to go if he wasn’t included. So by force he was given an invite to the event and it was an uncomfortable experience for him, and I’m sure her. But her grandparents sent her a strong message by threatening not to attend that I hope she heard, but I don’t think so.
So thank you for putting this out there. It’s speaks to everyone in one way or another. ✨💜🙏
Charlotte, this also broke my heart. It’s the story we are familiar with. The one that got me here. The one I wrote about here — is for all of it. For all this casual estrangement that has been going on forever in families. The picking and choosing.
What you are talking about - it’s “mostly” the girls doing it (or encouraging it) and it’s sudden. Please tell your family member to buy the book “Done With the Crying” by Sheri McGregor. It really helped us to know we weren’t alone in this kinda new mess with the mostly young millennials and their casual estrangement from their parents. It’s very, very sad — this book explains a lot. Happy to hear the grandparents stood up to her - Even if it didn’t work - it’s a loud message that there won’t be any game playing. Sending my love and prayers to your relative. oxox
Life is hard and people make it harder.We come with nothing to this earth and leave with nothing.Its not how much money or titles we acquire.Its who we are that counts, our spirit within guides us and shows us we are Loved by God in Jesus name.Thanks Deborah for your words.🙏🕊️♥️ X.
Yes, it is! Life is a constant striving to keep the faith and keep our heads held high. It starts with us. Everything you say. We begin with nothing. So humility and not judging others is vital. A deeply personal relationship with Jesus (that the world can't interfere with, even inside of the church with others who also are human and susceptible to judging/division) is our best guide. We are so loved by Him and He doesn't want these divisions and hurts -- the Devil does. So we must stay strong and strive for better -- but also know where to draw the line for our health and seek living for heaven. Thank you Mary. Sending you so much love today and for the weekend. For always. oxox
Love your wisdom Deborah God bless you, love and blessings 🙏🕊️♥️.
Thank you so much Mary. That means a lot. Love and blessings back to you. oxox
I felt a lot of this
Kathleen, it’s everywhere isn’t it? So we have to go where we are loved and it’s “consistent.” Sending you a big hug. oxox
❤️
So much truth here. Once you accept you don’t belong in a family system and let them go, it’s so much easier. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long! And the class system is alive and well. I will never feel anything other than working class, even though I worked my way out of it. That chip on my shoulder won’t drop off, no matter how hard I shake it! 🤗✨
I 100% agree Trudi. It’s about acceptance and letting it go. Still being kind - but not as hopeful I guess. I, too, wish it hadn’t taken me so long.
We too will only feel working class. I get it and see that chip on my husband who works hideous hours — always on that budget. We’re happy though with hard days work and giving the best of ourselves to the people we serve. I know you know. Sending you a big hug and much love. oxox
This hits home a little…no, a lot!
Since the “event of ‘20”, I don’t hear much from the extended family which at one time was oh so close. Some of it is self imposed since I just don’t like hanging with people much in general anymore.
I found out yesterday that my godfather passed (like last weekend). It was 2:30 in the afternoon and after 30 minutes of research, I found the wake was last night from 4-8 with a mass today. I didn’t want to do the mass so today was out, and I wrestled with going or not going last night. It would have been 100 miles round trip and frankly I just didn’t have it in me. The odd thing though was this. I looked up to the heavens and asked Bob if he’d send me some sign he was ok with me not making the wake. As I was playing my word game last night (similar to a word scramble), about a half hour in, his last name came up scrambled in the puzzle. Definitely a wow moment and I did feel better.
Outcast ? No I don’t think so, at least not intentional (I hope). But maybe for the most part just simply forgotten. Outta sight, outta mind. As I said, some of it is a little self imposed. Some of it was a result of just shitcanning Facebook. But, yeah, this struck a nerve. Sadly, I’d rather be forgotten than put in the obligatory uncomfortable situation.
Thank you. At least I feel like I’m not the only one. I do miss the days of old when people in general were a little more civil.
Dear Ken, man, this kinda broke my heart. I completely get this in more ways than I can express. For us, for some of our cast-out other family, for so many stories. It does actually create the apathy (plus the pandemic did a number on us all) — but to find out so last minute about your Godfather? That’s horrible. Like I said, I get this right in the heart.
This casual family division has been going on a long time - but I always say the devil is after the family — because it’s God’s first love.
Sending you a big hug and I’m sorry for the loss of your Godfather. oxox
Thanks Deborah. I’m good. I can’t remember the last time I saw him, probably when his wife passed many many years ago. I believe in the messages from above thing, but to see his name come up in that word scramble was amazing.
Oh sheeze! I totally forgot to mention the scramble! That gave me chills. Yes, he’s watching over you and you’re okay. He’s okay. ox
Yep!!!!! I can relate 🤗 And you are now officially my favorite rapper 🤗❤️
ha ha!! thank you Cesca! I think many of us can relate (sadly). I have no idea how I began to rap? But I do know if feels GREAT! A total release!
Go where we’re loved and it’s “consistent!” oxox
This is so iinteresting,Deborah. I just finished Emily P Freeman's book-How to Enter a Room. Its really a misnomer. It's about leaving rooms that no longer serve you. About hallways...where you wait for a new room. Very interesting, because I've left so many rooms through the years. The main one being the cult church I was trapped in for 20 years. Some are more subtle. Friendships that fade. Family members that grow cold because of medical decisions that you made. God pulling me out of a large evangelical church I attended with my kids into a tiny local church full of elderly people. City council rooms. Addiction. Homeless room with no walls or roof. At times, I realized that God was pulling me away from people, places and ideas that didn't fulfill his plans for my life. Some, he dragged me from, kicking and screaming. But I get it. It hurts. It feels uncomfortable. Unnatural. Uneasy. God never wants us to be complacent. I think he calls it lukewarm. Much love, my Dear Deborah.
Rosemary, I need to add this book to my increasing pile of books! It sounds like a very worthwhile read. I can't begin to tell you how much your entire comment resonated with me. Every word you wrote -- I felt. John and I have been unlikely outcasts in his family for our entire marriage - along with another brother and his wife. A terrible decision of picking and choosing that continues like a cyclical drinking problem. Every single family seems to have this element. But it's not just the family. It's the playground, work, church, etc. We are all humans living inside of a world hospital. Some of us want to heal, some of us don't and many of us don't recognize there's a problem. It's as casual as a drink of water -- with deadly consequences. We can choose to be sick over it. I have been done with it for awhile - since 2020 -- but I'm really in that space of walking forward with kindness, yet all weights mentally removed that anything would ever change. We stop longing at some point and it's good for us. There is a lot to long for and God is No. 1. Long for the relationship with Him, with creation, with nature, with those who stay consistent in our lives. No, He doesn't want us to be complacent, lukewarm and sick. Managed dogs. But we do this to ourselves. The difference is we can work to get away from this mental bondage and draw some lines in the sand without anger and biting or being completely shut down. With Him -> still loving and kind. Without Him -> is not a choice for us.
Much love right back to you dear Rosemary. (oh and I saw this comment come through twice -- which happens -- so I removed one of them). oxox
I had a little trouble getting it to post. Ty. 😘