I got to thinking after covering a bunch of weddings and attending a few funerals/memorial services over the years — there is nothing like these events to help completely clarify where you belong and where you don’t belong.
It’s magnified. Leaving you feeling selfishly anxious.
We go anyways.
But I’m tired of RUNNING.
Oh my brain. Make it stop.
Outside dogs get it. Once they’re in - it doesn’t last long. They get used to facing the exit. Eventually their tail stops wagging, but they’ll come in for a pet cause it feels good for a minute - even if the limp hand on their back never quite penetrates the surface.
There is always a desire to belong. But eventually it stops. You walk in the room and hopefully there’s someone there who makes you feel at home.
And that’s enough.
My old office was a welcome space for couples about to get married. We’d go over “the list” of “normal people” and outcasts? Who they wanted pictures with and who they didn’t. Problem was — it was hurtful the day of the event and I guess I’m sensitive to it — so I’d try to talk them out of exclusion and into inclusion — so I didn’t have to see the pain and sadness or miff written all over these relatives faces later on. It’s a two minute snap of a picture they will never frame.
BUT WHY DID I BOTHER? Does it change after the floors are swept and the doors locked?
No. It doesn’t.
Let’s face it. People are all about systems.
Sure, there’s annoying relatives. We’re all different. Some (very few) we need to set real boundaries for. But most? We can love and accept.
We don’t have to practice never-ending drive-bys while on our way to the chosen relatives.
But there it is. Human history — all on polite display at an event.
The Titanic. A system broken down in ship layers. Below, the have-nots, poor and uneducated. At the top the haves with an ocean view and unlimited available feasts. In the middle? the near beaten down, yet staying-on-the-steady-somewhat-prideful-wheel-of-systematic-yet-independent-progress. Mouthful.
Those who rose from steerage should get it.
The “class system” is still the unspoken tragedy and root of relationships packaged in religious, cultural, political and gender identities in the modern era.
Underneath it all: “educated” — “working class” — “farmers/peasants.”
And although these family and friend gatherings are pleasantly surrounded in cumulative beauty, flowers, speeches, slideshows, yummy food, rekindled long ago acquaintances, good intentions and a few mixed-emotions — you enter and you walk away knowing where you stand.
But you always knew where you stood — despite your longing. It’s time to stop running from the devil in your head thinking what never worked would work now. Or that you’re no good in certain company.
That’s just a lie.
Most of us are pretty awesome despite how so many families casually discard other family members.
And rather than gulp the rejected weight of airy hellos —
It’s time to let go.
He did the work.
Rejection on steroids.
Be nice on these occasions.
Guard your heart.
and
“Go where you're loved. Stay where it's consistent.” - anonymous
Welcome to another rap session :)
Running from your crumbs swallowing tums shunning whose more appealing stunning my pride dignified I'm more than that backchat cast out burned down relations drowned without profound interest disparate grin and bear it demerits we didn't inherit loud voices got you reelin oh your feelings listen up behind the spirited lies a victorian historian a poet but you don't know it too busy checking rubber-necking rising from the upper deck check don't you see your roots family offshoots Miss bossyboots? yeah. You're just like he, she, we, me too busy to see your strenuous disingenuous decree done listening Jesus 101 Love can't outrun the devil sayin listen up your less than a caveman I gotta gameplan outcasts unite take flight Satan's lyin while you're tryin no denying Light is good it withstood time for adulthood. I'm. done. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. - Proverbs 4:23
Oh, I felt this one deeply. I’m sitting here waiting for the medicine to dry on my leg and saw this story in my email. Your title caught my eye, as it’s one of the titles I’m considering for my “special” book.
Ever since “you-know-what happened,” I have been denied invitations to weddings, birthday parties, family holiday dinners, special events, etc. Before it all happened I was ALWAYS invited to these events. I was someone. I mattered. Now I’m the outcast, the one that doesn’t matter. The invisible one.
Just this morning, I was ousted and denied entry to a place I’ve been going to every day for the past three years. I was getting to be too “visible” for the normal people. They couldn’t have that. Now things have gotten much, much harder for me to do the things I need to do. I’m going to miss the friends I made there but, truth be told, they weren’t really my friends in the end. Friends don’t treat you like an outcast.
Outstanding work, Deborah. I think we have all had these moments, and nothing feels worse than being invited somewhere you're not really welcome. Great exploration!
[Also? I DID receive your post in my email, but did NOT get a notification that you tagged me in it. Substack's 'hiccups' continue 😐 ]