This is so beautiful Deborah. My mom has Alzheimer's. She was a Martha Stewart type (she actually met her) who planned international weddings, always so fashionable, so proper, never an item out of place. Now she collects ketchup packets from fast food places and tells strangers "I love you, call me, " along with a string of words that seem to others to be nonsense, but mean something to her. She is the happiest I have ever known her to be. In a way I envy her, the way that she is in the moment all of the time without even trying.
Dear Mary, I had tears reading this. Wow. Your mom is a story that I am sure you will write, if you haven't already. I find it fascinating that some of the most accomplished, intelligent minds, lose their memory in the end. It's really interesting and I feel the research is getting closer to understanding Alzheimer's more and more. It's much harder for everyone else. My mom's brother is in a home for it. Heartbreaking for the family as he's a new grandfather, late in life, and doesn't understand. He was a very accomplished English Bobby, underwater diver with Scotland Yard, taught swimming to Down's Syndrome children for over 40 years. They honored him and he didn't know. I can also see how you observed a child-like freedom in your mom, living in the moment. The struggle and all the pressures of life are non-existent. When John's mom had it she became very agitated and then as it got worse was like a child and for him that was a blessing, because she had been a very hard woman. Thank you for writing this here and for the beauty you shared. The way you look at your mom in these separate seasons of life. I am sorry, and at the same time, there is so much love and acceptance. Sending you my love friend. oxox
Oh this is just beautiful and so, so sad. Because it is true. The ones we love fade, we take their place, our children become frustrated with us. We do our best to adapt to a world that makes no sense. Loved this piece!❤️
Thank you so much Trudi. Mum is settling in and we are both adjusting. It truly is a full circle. I am constantly telling John "we must stay strong because I don't think our kids will have any patience when we're old!" We're already old and I feel the lack of! lol. The world really isn't friendly to the old either. Tech keeps pushing us out and I can't imagine where it will be in 20 years! Spaceship travel? like The Jetsons! Sending you a big hug and much love. oxox
100% -- I often wonder why this isn't a priority. There are some countries that make it so, thrive more and develop compassionate young people. It's vital. Japan is one of them I believe. They take care of each other. ox
I'm very happy you get to spend so much time together. Going on two years, the pain is much less intense finally, and although I miss being a part of such a circle, it will be interesting to hear how your's continues to unfold. 💜
Dear Joan, it's so good to be reminded, even in our adjustment to living "together," albeit just for a few months, that this is something so many of my friends miss. I am truly very blessed. I watch mum talking with her friends and it's very sad at times that they don't have any children that care to be with them. Mum has both of her kids caring for her. My brother is doing a great job. Getting older does scare me though - Gotta stay strong. All of us. ox
I cried when l read your story. Where you are now,sad and sorry for your loved ones we people,who have a moral conscience We are very sensitive to others pain.My Mother passed at 54,my brother was 42.My Father was 70 with dementia.l think they were all damaged by War.War this one we are in is Satanic.like all War . This earth is in Spiritual turmoil.l surrender my life to God and l ask God to protect my family. l am playing my praise music on YouTube . It's been a Godsend when l was in lockdown Jerusalema kept me sane .My wee dog Thor and l danced to the song.He was an amazing spirit..God Bless you Deborah.Keep well 🙏🕊️♥️😊x
Oh dear Mary. I am so sorry you lost your mom so young and your brother :( And then your dear dad getting dementia :( So very difficult to carry the pain of loss for so long. I know that I am very blessed to have my mom in my life. There is so much spiritual turmoil, as you say, and stories that our relatives carry to their graves that should matter. In the midst of so much anger for things out of our control. For all the divisions our governments and media create. Everyone has a story and everyone is God's child. I love how music can save our souls. I'm so glad you play it and dance with your sweet Thor. What would we do without our furry gifts. They give us more life in their short lives than we deserve. God Bless you and keep you as well friend. Sending you much love. Thank you for reading this and for your heart. oxox
Now that I'm 70, I'm able to revisit my previous “selves” and see all the cycles. it’s like watching a beautiful recording, but with bad parts, too. we learned so much from the cycles and gain so much is done. Thank you, Deborah! Beautifully expressed! ✨🤗🦋💜
Dear Charlotte, I know what you mean. It's interesting to look back at all we go through. The physical and mental changes, the ups/downs, the beauty, the lessons. It's nice to get to a place of wisdom and patience - but we still have to work at it. Thank you so much for your kindness and support. love you. oxox
This is so tender and beautiful Deborah. It’s so strange to watch these life cycles of outward strength transformed into inner strength, and then into a quiet wisdom, almost impenetrable with the mind, but felt so eternally with the heart. Thank you for taking me on this poignant journey this morning. ❤️
Thank you so much Kimberly. These reflections are exactly that. Beautifully said. When we were flying home, mom recited two old English poems to me. Long ones. All I could think was how many things are repeated, yet here we were. Brought tears to my eyes. I know you are also in this place of thought. It's strange, but I love growing older (wiser), and at the same time I can't stand it. Sending you a big hug. oxox
We become our parents, despite many efforts when young (or youngish) not to. Our children will become us, too. We hope that the good values we took from our parents will be accepted as the gifts they are to our children. They will.
Patience. Great song choice.
Btw, my mother wore what seems like the exact same dress when she married my father in Montreal, in 1952. My father, a refugee from war-torn Europe. This is a topic that I plan to write about one day. I learned much from him, but only realized it much later.
Dear Perry, we certainly do become our parents! Makes me laugh to think about it! I think it takes a long time to really appreciate our parents. Or when we become parents. I remember calling my mom and apologizing if I ever spoke back to her (I didn't dare!) - but I wanted to tell her how hard it was being a parent and thank her.
Oh I hope you write about your mom and dad, their lives, and how they met! These are wonderful stories to write for your family! I will look forward to reading it. Isn't it crazy how stoic they were? We learned things too much later (or maybe as kids we weren't paying attention!)
Isn't that a great song? loved George Michael. Take care friend. oxox
You vividly painted such a lovely bittersweet picture! So much that I was in tears! We should all thank the good Lord more often for our family heritage, and for our delicate beautiful moms, for the sacrifices they made, how unconditional they loved, and for our fathers who worked and fought hard to keep families together!
Thank you friend. It is all bittersweet. We just get older and we do become our elders! I agree with everything you said about our beautiful moms and dads sacrificing for us. We might be the last generation to really appreciate them, even with all the challenges and dysfunction in every family - we just respect how hard they worked and fought to keep us together. They were also so resourceful! Sending you much love Jannette. oxox
Just wow! You took me back to my mom… and thinking about my girl… her girl, only 16. This moved me so much, dear Deb! Thank you for the memories, the perspective as I project ahead when they’ll be caring for me someday. ☺️Beautiful writing! Happy times ahead with your mum coming to stay! Safe travels today. Love you. 🥰😍
Dear Joan, thank you so much for reading this and for your kind comment. It is the circle of life and I'm glad it gave you the memories and perspective. I've been thinking how much I want to remain independent. Oh boy do I want that. You are doing good. We are settling in and adjusting. Love you friend. oxox
I love this piece, yet when I went to comment earlier this morning, the emotions are still too raw after losing my mom a few weeks ago. Deb, you do a beautiful job of honoring your mother and imparting wisdom to your daughter! Again, you caused me to re-visit my relationship with Mom - the first real person to believe in me, love me, understand me - but most of all encourage me. "Words have meaning," you hear everyone say these days. But the words from a mom, especially loving, caring, nurturing, soothing and encouraging words, they have a special meaning.
This afternoon was spent writing thank you notes (no 'yea me,' I'll assure you - Molly MADE me do it!) to all those kind enough to stop by with gifts, kindnesses, even funny stories. I found myself writing to them about "the road of grief," long, lonely, and very private. I've found it to be an individual battle because not even my family members have had the history I had with Mom. She was funny, patient, brilliant, naughty, flawed but honest about it, kind, and ALWAYS turned the spotlight on whoever she was with ("tell me how YOU'VE been doing?" she'd ask). At ninety-nine and a half ("and don't you forget the half" she'd say) she'd outlived at least three sets of friends in the retirement center. Yet grateful for the time she'd had with those friends, she always continued to happily re-invent herself and make another set of friends - and it's because she cared about them.
I'm blubbering. But Deb, REALLY ENJOY the time you have with your mom. Have no regrets when she passes. Say everything you want to say and maybe some stuff you didn't want to say. Because when they're gone, they're gone.
Oh Dear Bob, I somehow missed this and it made my eyes well up. I know you have been through the gamut of emotions this past year. Thank you for your beautiful words and please go on as long as you need. We must talk someday on the phone! But seriously would love to get my act together and do a podcast with you. Seems with the adjustment to mom living with us for a few months - I am not much on here. Trying to find the space to concentrate is a big challenging as you well know lately. We are most definitely in the sandwich part of life. I am actually typing this from my daughter's home, hoping not to get a terrible stomach virus that is spreading like wildfire throughout the grandkids and the other set's parents, including the grandchild I am presently babysitting. Her parents are school teachers so they rarely take days off and we grandparents get sick or not. Hoping not due to my mom with us. She is quite anxious to see family and so far this is what is happening and I am keeping her away. A bit stressful as she's home alone with our dogs while I help out. The younger generation has a hard time understanding any of this but we all do what we can and consider ourselves blessed.
Sitting and writing thank you's for all the love you all and your dear mom Molly received must have been very hard. Tears. The road of grief is most definitely long, lonely and private, as you say. I came here to Substack over it, eventually. And, just wow. Your mama made it to 99.5 and I am sure you had hoped for that big 100 celebration, but she knew that she was celebrating daily with Jesus and thankful for her life and the many friendships and blessings she had. To keep recreating oneself is exactly how I hope to live and strive to live. What an example she gave you Bob. So, for me, writing is a saving grace, as I've mentioned and your mom, plus my mom, gave us that. We were encouraged by them and their love of life. We are blessed to have it and I am so amazed by your story and your calling to write books. I am only at the beginning. Now my mom sits and says "I so miss writing and seeing clearly." I feel heartbroken over it and now she also has a 40 second memory. It's not easy - but I'm trying. I am saying what I need to say, drinking way too much tea (I have to slow that down, despite being asked a lot (lol) and I am listening.
Thank you again for this. You have blessed me very much because I have been quite anxious and I know that God allows us to sort through all of these feelings, pray and keep moving forward. Much love to you and know you are in my prayers. oxox
Yesss. Chin up. We will definitely get something down in the new year. I believe everyone is spinning toward Christmas and that’s okay. Praying you are doing okay as your beautiful memories walk alongside your grief. ox
I have to live vicariously through you with this letter, as I no longer have either recipient. I am in awe of your rendition of the circle of family life. The changes your mom has seen and has to experience, as well as all the unknowns for your daughter. I believe you are counting your blessings and living in gratitude.
Oh Joan, my heart hurts to know the pain you feel :( I am counting my blessings and adjusting the sails as we go. I know that life is fleeting and fragile. Thank you for reading this and for leaving me such a kind comment. We flew home together a few days ago and it's definitely an adjustment. Blessed to have my mom with me for the holidays. First time since dad passed away. (We've been going to Oregon for Christmas since 2020) My brother lives with mom and he will drive down for Christmas, then take her home. Sending you a big hug. ox
This is too beautiful for words. The world spins madly on as we grow into ourselves growing into our mothers and on into eternity. What sweet sorrow to leave, leaving a legacy. Massive hugs ❤️
This is so beautiful Deborah. My mom has Alzheimer's. She was a Martha Stewart type (she actually met her) who planned international weddings, always so fashionable, so proper, never an item out of place. Now she collects ketchup packets from fast food places and tells strangers "I love you, call me, " along with a string of words that seem to others to be nonsense, but mean something to her. She is the happiest I have ever known her to be. In a way I envy her, the way that she is in the moment all of the time without even trying.
Dear Mary, I had tears reading this. Wow. Your mom is a story that I am sure you will write, if you haven't already. I find it fascinating that some of the most accomplished, intelligent minds, lose their memory in the end. It's really interesting and I feel the research is getting closer to understanding Alzheimer's more and more. It's much harder for everyone else. My mom's brother is in a home for it. Heartbreaking for the family as he's a new grandfather, late in life, and doesn't understand. He was a very accomplished English Bobby, underwater diver with Scotland Yard, taught swimming to Down's Syndrome children for over 40 years. They honored him and he didn't know. I can also see how you observed a child-like freedom in your mom, living in the moment. The struggle and all the pressures of life are non-existent. When John's mom had it she became very agitated and then as it got worse was like a child and for him that was a blessing, because she had been a very hard woman. Thank you for writing this here and for the beauty you shared. The way you look at your mom in these separate seasons of life. I am sorry, and at the same time, there is so much love and acceptance. Sending you my love friend. oxox
Thank you Deborah.
Oh this is just beautiful and so, so sad. Because it is true. The ones we love fade, we take their place, our children become frustrated with us. We do our best to adapt to a world that makes no sense. Loved this piece!❤️
Thank you so much Trudi. Mum is settling in and we are both adjusting. It truly is a full circle. I am constantly telling John "we must stay strong because I don't think our kids will have any patience when we're old!" We're already old and I feel the lack of! lol. The world really isn't friendly to the old either. Tech keeps pushing us out and I can't imagine where it will be in 20 years! Spaceship travel? like The Jetsons! Sending you a big hug and much love. oxox
You’re right - we will all be older someday, if we are lucky, so it’s right to care for our elderly. X
100% -- I often wonder why this isn't a priority. There are some countries that make it so, thrive more and develop compassionate young people. It's vital. Japan is one of them I believe. They take care of each other. ox
Our society is fractured and the old are seen as a burden rather than a source of wisdom.
I agree. It breaks my heart. Another thing society tosses out 😔
Bless you. So much feeling in there Deborah and so much reverence for family values. I felt your gratitude, heart and hope xx
Thank you my friend. We are settling in at home. Mum is great. Definitely struggling with her eyes. I'm adjusting too. Grateful and reflective.
I hope you are doing well. I will catchup soon. It's been a wee bit challenging. Sending you much love always Julie. oxox
I'm very happy you get to spend so much time together. Going on two years, the pain is much less intense finally, and although I miss being a part of such a circle, it will be interesting to hear how your's continues to unfold. 💜
Dear Joan, it's so good to be reminded, even in our adjustment to living "together," albeit just for a few months, that this is something so many of my friends miss. I am truly very blessed. I watch mum talking with her friends and it's very sad at times that they don't have any children that care to be with them. Mum has both of her kids caring for her. My brother is doing a great job. Getting older does scare me though - Gotta stay strong. All of us. ox
Beautiful ❤
Thank you brother. I love you. oxox
I cried when l read your story. Where you are now,sad and sorry for your loved ones we people,who have a moral conscience We are very sensitive to others pain.My Mother passed at 54,my brother was 42.My Father was 70 with dementia.l think they were all damaged by War.War this one we are in is Satanic.like all War . This earth is in Spiritual turmoil.l surrender my life to God and l ask God to protect my family. l am playing my praise music on YouTube . It's been a Godsend when l was in lockdown Jerusalema kept me sane .My wee dog Thor and l danced to the song.He was an amazing spirit..God Bless you Deborah.Keep well 🙏🕊️♥️😊x
Oh dear Mary. I am so sorry you lost your mom so young and your brother :( And then your dear dad getting dementia :( So very difficult to carry the pain of loss for so long. I know that I am very blessed to have my mom in my life. There is so much spiritual turmoil, as you say, and stories that our relatives carry to their graves that should matter. In the midst of so much anger for things out of our control. For all the divisions our governments and media create. Everyone has a story and everyone is God's child. I love how music can save our souls. I'm so glad you play it and dance with your sweet Thor. What would we do without our furry gifts. They give us more life in their short lives than we deserve. God Bless you and keep you as well friend. Sending you much love. Thank you for reading this and for your heart. oxox
Now that I'm 70, I'm able to revisit my previous “selves” and see all the cycles. it’s like watching a beautiful recording, but with bad parts, too. we learned so much from the cycles and gain so much is done. Thank you, Deborah! Beautifully expressed! ✨🤗🦋💜
Dear Charlotte, I know what you mean. It's interesting to look back at all we go through. The physical and mental changes, the ups/downs, the beauty, the lessons. It's nice to get to a place of wisdom and patience - but we still have to work at it. Thank you so much for your kindness and support. love you. oxox
This is so tender and beautiful Deborah. It’s so strange to watch these life cycles of outward strength transformed into inner strength, and then into a quiet wisdom, almost impenetrable with the mind, but felt so eternally with the heart. Thank you for taking me on this poignant journey this morning. ❤️
Thank you so much Kimberly. These reflections are exactly that. Beautifully said. When we were flying home, mom recited two old English poems to me. Long ones. All I could think was how many things are repeated, yet here we were. Brought tears to my eyes. I know you are also in this place of thought. It's strange, but I love growing older (wiser), and at the same time I can't stand it. Sending you a big hug. oxox
Right back at you friend.
We become our parents, despite many efforts when young (or youngish) not to. Our children will become us, too. We hope that the good values we took from our parents will be accepted as the gifts they are to our children. They will.
Patience. Great song choice.
Btw, my mother wore what seems like the exact same dress when she married my father in Montreal, in 1952. My father, a refugee from war-torn Europe. This is a topic that I plan to write about one day. I learned much from him, but only realized it much later.
Dear Perry, we certainly do become our parents! Makes me laugh to think about it! I think it takes a long time to really appreciate our parents. Or when we become parents. I remember calling my mom and apologizing if I ever spoke back to her (I didn't dare!) - but I wanted to tell her how hard it was being a parent and thank her.
Oh I hope you write about your mom and dad, their lives, and how they met! These are wonderful stories to write for your family! I will look forward to reading it. Isn't it crazy how stoic they were? We learned things too much later (or maybe as kids we weren't paying attention!)
Isn't that a great song? loved George Michael. Take care friend. oxox
You vividly painted such a lovely bittersweet picture! So much that I was in tears! We should all thank the good Lord more often for our family heritage, and for our delicate beautiful moms, for the sacrifices they made, how unconditional they loved, and for our fathers who worked and fought hard to keep families together!
Thank you friend. It is all bittersweet. We just get older and we do become our elders! I agree with everything you said about our beautiful moms and dads sacrificing for us. We might be the last generation to really appreciate them, even with all the challenges and dysfunction in every family - we just respect how hard they worked and fought to keep us together. They were also so resourceful! Sending you much love Jannette. oxox
Just wow! You took me back to my mom… and thinking about my girl… her girl, only 16. This moved me so much, dear Deb! Thank you for the memories, the perspective as I project ahead when they’ll be caring for me someday. ☺️Beautiful writing! Happy times ahead with your mum coming to stay! Safe travels today. Love you. 🥰😍
Dear Joan, thank you so much for reading this and for your kind comment. It is the circle of life and I'm glad it gave you the memories and perspective. I've been thinking how much I want to remain independent. Oh boy do I want that. You are doing good. We are settling in and adjusting. Love you friend. oxox
I love this piece, yet when I went to comment earlier this morning, the emotions are still too raw after losing my mom a few weeks ago. Deb, you do a beautiful job of honoring your mother and imparting wisdom to your daughter! Again, you caused me to re-visit my relationship with Mom - the first real person to believe in me, love me, understand me - but most of all encourage me. "Words have meaning," you hear everyone say these days. But the words from a mom, especially loving, caring, nurturing, soothing and encouraging words, they have a special meaning.
This afternoon was spent writing thank you notes (no 'yea me,' I'll assure you - Molly MADE me do it!) to all those kind enough to stop by with gifts, kindnesses, even funny stories. I found myself writing to them about "the road of grief," long, lonely, and very private. I've found it to be an individual battle because not even my family members have had the history I had with Mom. She was funny, patient, brilliant, naughty, flawed but honest about it, kind, and ALWAYS turned the spotlight on whoever she was with ("tell me how YOU'VE been doing?" she'd ask). At ninety-nine and a half ("and don't you forget the half" she'd say) she'd outlived at least three sets of friends in the retirement center. Yet grateful for the time she'd had with those friends, she always continued to happily re-invent herself and make another set of friends - and it's because she cared about them.
I'm blubbering. But Deb, REALLY ENJOY the time you have with your mom. Have no regrets when she passes. Say everything you want to say and maybe some stuff you didn't want to say. Because when they're gone, they're gone.
Oh Dear Bob, I somehow missed this and it made my eyes well up. I know you have been through the gamut of emotions this past year. Thank you for your beautiful words and please go on as long as you need. We must talk someday on the phone! But seriously would love to get my act together and do a podcast with you. Seems with the adjustment to mom living with us for a few months - I am not much on here. Trying to find the space to concentrate is a big challenging as you well know lately. We are most definitely in the sandwich part of life. I am actually typing this from my daughter's home, hoping not to get a terrible stomach virus that is spreading like wildfire throughout the grandkids and the other set's parents, including the grandchild I am presently babysitting. Her parents are school teachers so they rarely take days off and we grandparents get sick or not. Hoping not due to my mom with us. She is quite anxious to see family and so far this is what is happening and I am keeping her away. A bit stressful as she's home alone with our dogs while I help out. The younger generation has a hard time understanding any of this but we all do what we can and consider ourselves blessed.
Sitting and writing thank you's for all the love you all and your dear mom Molly received must have been very hard. Tears. The road of grief is most definitely long, lonely and private, as you say. I came here to Substack over it, eventually. And, just wow. Your mama made it to 99.5 and I am sure you had hoped for that big 100 celebration, but she knew that she was celebrating daily with Jesus and thankful for her life and the many friendships and blessings she had. To keep recreating oneself is exactly how I hope to live and strive to live. What an example she gave you Bob. So, for me, writing is a saving grace, as I've mentioned and your mom, plus my mom, gave us that. We were encouraged by them and their love of life. We are blessed to have it and I am so amazed by your story and your calling to write books. I am only at the beginning. Now my mom sits and says "I so miss writing and seeing clearly." I feel heartbroken over it and now she also has a 40 second memory. It's not easy - but I'm trying. I am saying what I need to say, drinking way too much tea (I have to slow that down, despite being asked a lot (lol) and I am listening.
Thank you again for this. You have blessed me very much because I have been quite anxious and I know that God allows us to sort through all of these feelings, pray and keep moving forward. Much love to you and know you are in my prayers. oxox
Thanks Deb! Like I always tell my kids, 'chin up, feet moving!' I'd love that talk when your world settles.
Yesss. Chin up. We will definitely get something down in the new year. I believe everyone is spinning toward Christmas and that’s okay. Praying you are doing okay as your beautiful memories walk alongside your grief. ox
I have to live vicariously through you with this letter, as I no longer have either recipient. I am in awe of your rendition of the circle of family life. The changes your mom has seen and has to experience, as well as all the unknowns for your daughter. I believe you are counting your blessings and living in gratitude.
Oh Joan, my heart hurts to know the pain you feel :( I am counting my blessings and adjusting the sails as we go. I know that life is fleeting and fragile. Thank you for reading this and for leaving me such a kind comment. We flew home together a few days ago and it's definitely an adjustment. Blessed to have my mom with me for the holidays. First time since dad passed away. (We've been going to Oregon for Christmas since 2020) My brother lives with mom and he will drive down for Christmas, then take her home. Sending you a big hug. ox
I love how this puts things into perspective at this.point in our lives. I am now going to make sure that in my Trust my Tupperware goes to you.
This is too beautiful for words. The world spins madly on as we grow into ourselves growing into our mothers and on into eternity. What sweet sorrow to leave, leaving a legacy. Massive hugs ❤️