I read yesterday but started to cry, had to come back to it today. The words “never again” used to sound bitter and angry to me, but then you spoke them. I couldn’t explain the impact of hearing them from you until I read this one. Of course I know people want to move on and it’s healthy to move on.. I’ve moved on from 2020, it’s just please no one forget than and never again. See I can’t remember 2020 the way I can remember all of my families from the other years. I know I’ve blocked so much of it out. And I worked in the trauma icu, not Covid icu. I would leave and come back 2 days later and my patient would have tested positive and be gone, moved to the Covid unit. One of the nurses was very pregnant and she transferred to the Covid unit, said it was better to know than not know and they had better masks there. For several (3?) months we reused the same mask for 7 days and had to beg for a new one if something happened to it.
Crying again.. If I were Patrick’s nurse I would not be okay, some days none of us are okay. When I started my new job and went in for my respirator fit test, I had a full blown panic attack when I put the mask on. This was this past March and I’ve been doing this for almost 20 years. Somedays I hear the word Covid and I want to scream. I’m not the only nurse who feels this way. I worry about the ones who are young, hope they know how to cope better than I did when I was in my 20’s..
I will never again sacrifice my soul the way I did in 2020. Some answers will never come, I can’t point a single finger it was all so messed up and chaotic.. but the next time I go to work and the rules start to change every 5 minutes or my patients are forced to die alone and I find myself afraid to hug my own children for 3 months, I will walk out that door and never look back.
All this to say thank you for saying what I could never say.
“My grace is all you need, for my power is the greatest when you are weak” 2 Corinthians 12:9
I am so blessed to meet you in this beautiful space. I needed to hear from someone on the inside. I know you have taken a lot of heat. As Charlotte stated in her response - should she? be really angry at the nurse, or nurses, doctors, staff that mistreated - it felt justified - and yet for God's sake - no one knew how each person inside was dealing with everything that was also changing, per utter insanity, every five minutes. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for having the courage to speak and write about how it was for you and how you will never accept how it went down. I know it haunts you and I cannot imagine that punishment to your heart. I also know you have recovered your life and stayed the course, seeing brightly God's plan for you to continue what you had originally signed up for - which was to care and love on your patients.
God keep you always. I do look forward to a conversation with you on the podcast. oxoxox
If I started writing my publication one or two years ago I would have been able to place blame somewhere be cause I felt so angry. The worst part is I have no answer, couldn’t tell you what was real and what wasn’t anymore. It feels like a nightmare and honestly keeps me up at night sometimes still 4 years later. The more I talk about it, the better it gets. That’s a great place to start. ❤️
I'm so glad you can talk about it and push forward. Talking about it is the best thing you can do. The raw honesty makes it come to life and get it out. Being swept up in that kind of insanity was not for the meek. I am sure many quit over the lack of humanity. I'm sure many just quit and didn't know what on earth was happening. I'm certain some, like you, hung in there realizing how horrible it was, but also realizing that this was your life's work and how it was going down was not going to define you. The powers that be dangling over our world was what was sinister and remains that way. So, yes. Never again. We will stay awake. Sending you much love always friend. oxox
I remember Patrick’s story and the video of his sister… the horrible treatment! Bless you for honoring him and sharing here this week! You are God’s Angel and the most caring person I know…”keep lifting me up “ says Linda. She knows you so well …knows that you will. I’ve great faith in you too, dearest Deb! God Bless and much love to you. ❤️😇
Dear Friend, yes, so very hard. This Friday is the three year mark. The family is strong, yet this is a tough time. It reminds them of the lack of humanity. So they choose to celebrate Patrick on his birthday (Nov.) and walk through this time as best they can. They can use all the prayers and all the compassion. Someday, all eyes and ears will open to all that happened during the last four years. Too many young people lost their lives (non-vax, vax'd) or were injured and there is no curiosity. That's what we pray for. The curiosity of a child. The sympathy and empathy that we used to have as a society overall. The compassion of leaders.
Thank you for reading and leaving me such a lovely comment. Sending you my love. oxox
My sweet friend, while I wallow in my grief for Anita. God is working my life, things I need, things I didn't think I needed. And he is holding me and speaking to my heart and I am so trying to listen. I hate being like this but I am trying to let some light back in. Continue to lift me up. And I promise to keep climbing this mountain. I love you my friend and I pray God's blessings on you and yours.
My Dear Friend, I know how hard this is. Do not beat yourself up. Because you are so strong and wonderfully made by Him, you will begin to find the joy will walk alongside the grief. You will dance for Anita to her favorite music. You will laugh and you will be held through that. I know you try every single day. It will happen. Don't stop going forward and crawl into His cocoon and stay as long as you need. I find that prayer is honestly what God is calling us to do in this fallen world. Our loved ones are thankfully at peace and made anew. We are left here to fight for all the goodness that they spread here on earth. Anita is watching over you and she will help bring you her joy. The kind you had as kids. I love you and so sorry I have an aversion to Facebook (it's my problem!) - Plus I've been running to writing (like a crazy woman) as if it's breath. oxox
I am blessed with three other wonderful brothers ☺️. Thank you for the extra love, it is extra appreciated. I hope you are enjoying a beautiful weekend, and we’ll talk soon ❤️
I am finally catching up! That is wonderful to hear. I have just one brother. The loss of a child, in a family, has to be one of the hardest things imaginable. And now, after enjoying a “first” with our four grandchildren on the beach, this past Sunday, we hear the awful news of more hostages lives taken. It really compromises the heart - yet I know we must take all that life has to offer - as it is so fleeting. So fragile. The world is a beautiful and a very evil place. I’m going to try and p.m. you today! Have a good week teaching. Sending you much love Jenn. oxox
I maybe didn’t mention him; I have not written about him directly in any of my posts, but I comment about him to people sometimes. You are right, the loss never goes away. I will look forward to hearing the podcast with Patrick’s family, i hope they are well and healing after all they’ve been through. That is strange about the DMs, I hope they fix that soon for you, hope frustrating. If you send me one and I don’t respond, drop me a not or a comment and we’ll find a different way to connect and discuss a meeting of our minds ☺️❤️
No, I had no idea. My heart sank to hear this. You have been through so much Jenn :( It's not easy on a family to lose anyone, let alone a young family member. Was this your only sibling? I am truly so sorry :(. Patrick's family keeps going forward, but they all struggle differently. Patrick was the glue for his siblings and just a huge light. His mom is the most beautiful person, so I do hope we get to talk and Patrick's Story, and others, continue to be told. We will stay in touch. I'm thinking the end of September. I would love to run ideas by you. Have a good weekend Jenn. Sending you extra love. oxox
Ah, Deb, this is beautiful. Thank you. It brings to mind my lost brother who passed unexpectedly and accidentally at 26 full of life and the good things he knew to be in store that would never come to pass. I know I already told you. I will pray for Patrick’s family as they are surely still healing. And endeavor to be the best of me, thank you for that reminder. Sending love and gratitude ❤️
Dear Jenn, thank you for reading this. I know how hard it is to balance the time with teaching and being a parent, wife and artist. I don't believe you told me this about your brother and my heart sank to hear this. I have just one sibling, a brother - so I cannot imagine. To lose someone so young, and unexpectedly, like your brother, Patrick, so full of life and plans - it's devastating. The loss never goes away. I believe I am having Patrick's mom and sister on the podcast in October. I'd love to have you after that to talk about art, homeschooling and even loss if you're up to it. I will reach out soon. My DM is apparently not working for "everyone" as it's set up to work. It's only working for a few people and apparently other people can't message me? nor I them. I don't get it. I haven't changed anything - but I hope it's fixed soon! Sending you much love and gratitude back. oxox
So sorry for your loss. May you find comfort in the memories. Yes, we must seek joy even after a tragedy occurs, life is a gift so we must keep going until we are called to His side. Beautiful piece.
Dear Kathy, maybe after the family gets through today - three years since Patrick passed - they will see this. Thank you so much. Patrick was full of joy. They posted his memorial video and it's so joyous. Such a beautiful young man. He accepted Christ into his life a few years before he died and left many gifts of wisdom behind. A friend of Patricks posted a snippet of a personal phone conversation today, that he had with Patrick. Patrick's family had never heard it before. A testimony to "pursuing God, pursuing truth and light. To digging deep. Asking all the questions. Not mimicking what others say, but to really know Him."
With that is where we all pick up the torch and keep going. Thank you for your comment. oxox
I feel their pain very keenly (and am crying even as I type this)! My family went through nearly the exact same thing in October of 2021. Both my sister and I went into the hospital with covid pnuemonia in the same week - she on the Monday, and I on the Saturday - and the following Wednesday (October 13th) we both went home, only I went home with our parents while she went home to Glory. Her first doctor had been cautiously optimistic that she would be alright (and she was improving) and then suddenly he was telling us that he was leaving and she would be getting a new doctor and that's when she took a drastic turn for the worse. I know how badly they treated her there, because I ended up in the ICU room next to hers and they tried some of the same tactics on me too. The only thing that holds me together when I think of what happened there (some of which still haunts me horribly) and the shock of losing her is that, while we may have been surprised, God was not. He was still in control and, for reasons beyond our understanding, that was the time He chose to call her home to Him. And, while I may not know why He chose to call her home when He did, I do know the character of God and that He is always good, He makes no mistakes, and does nothing wrong so I simply have to trust that He knew what He was doing. I also know that, one day, those responsible will stand before Him and the Judge of all the earth shall do right. Deuteronomy 32:35 and Romans 12:17-19 are a huge comfort right now in the days in which we live, and, even more so, Luke 21:28.
Dearest Laura, I am crying reading this. I can only imagine, as a sibling and parent, what you have all suffered. Thank God, for your faith, in the end, as His grip on you and you on Him, is what sees every single day through. Insurmountable grief, as you pursue His joy in your daily living. Joy for your sister and the life she lead. I am so sorry for all you have been through and for the loss of your precious sister. We pray that a window opens up for the Light to shine so bright it burns curiosity and truth into the eyes and ears of many who turn away and are ambivalent to suffering. I, too, believe those responsible will stand before Him and be judged.
Today is three years since Patrick's passing just before your dear sister. I will remember your sister and keep you and your family in my prayers. Keep loving, moving forward with the love of your sister, carrying you, carrying her truth - the Truth you know. Keep speaking for her, as Patrick's oldest sister speaks for him, hears his voice saying to never stop. This is what He came for. This is why we are living in a time like this. God Bless you and keep you and your family Laura. oxox
We can learn about Joy and Love from our Children's example:
Allow the little children to come to Me, and forbid them not. For of such is the kingdom of God. Truly I say to you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no way enter into it. (Luke 18:15-17)
Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful Day of the Lord: And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the Earth with utter destruction. (Mal 4:5-6)
Listen to your children and love them as God loves you. They are his gift to you as to how to love him!
Martin! yes, yes, yes! I love this. Thank you. I hope my friend sees this. It's a hard week. One of the best lines from a book we read, many years ago, in a marriage Bible study, was "every day, look at each other as children of God." Really puts into perspective how we should see one another. Thank you for reading and leaving this special comment. Patrick was such a special young man and he loved the Lord. ox
Thanks for writing this post and keeping the memory of the VAXX victims alive- we must never let this happen again and must reverse all their corrupt legislation that has been passed to support the medical horrors that make money for big pharma.
We must also always remember that there is a bigger purpose being worked out here below:
Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of all his saints. (Psa 116:15)
Also loved that photo, is that one you took? It is so dynamic and joy filled!
Dear Martin, what a hard day today is for Patrick's family. Patrick was full of joy. It's how I will always remember him. We must keep speaking the truth for him and so many others. We must also pursue joy. Not a "self"-driven display. The joy that can only come through Christ. He is working out a much bigger purpose as you say here. We have to trust that He is Sovereign to the end.
And yesss! That is my grandson a few years ago. The trampoline has been his absolute joy since he could walk! I have TONS of images like this! It's great when I can bring the real camera out and stick it in overdrive! Thank you :) It was perfect for this. Have a good weekend and thank you for your comments. They are very much appreciated. ox
I read yesterday but started to cry, had to come back to it today. The words “never again” used to sound bitter and angry to me, but then you spoke them. I couldn’t explain the impact of hearing them from you until I read this one. Of course I know people want to move on and it’s healthy to move on.. I’ve moved on from 2020, it’s just please no one forget than and never again. See I can’t remember 2020 the way I can remember all of my families from the other years. I know I’ve blocked so much of it out. And I worked in the trauma icu, not Covid icu. I would leave and come back 2 days later and my patient would have tested positive and be gone, moved to the Covid unit. One of the nurses was very pregnant and she transferred to the Covid unit, said it was better to know than not know and they had better masks there. For several (3?) months we reused the same mask for 7 days and had to beg for a new one if something happened to it.
Crying again.. If I were Patrick’s nurse I would not be okay, some days none of us are okay. When I started my new job and went in for my respirator fit test, I had a full blown panic attack when I put the mask on. This was this past March and I’ve been doing this for almost 20 years. Somedays I hear the word Covid and I want to scream. I’m not the only nurse who feels this way. I worry about the ones who are young, hope they know how to cope better than I did when I was in my 20’s..
I will never again sacrifice my soul the way I did in 2020. Some answers will never come, I can’t point a single finger it was all so messed up and chaotic.. but the next time I go to work and the rules start to change every 5 minutes or my patients are forced to die alone and I find myself afraid to hug my own children for 3 months, I will walk out that door and never look back.
All this to say thank you for saying what I could never say.
“My grace is all you need, for my power is the greatest when you are weak” 2 Corinthians 12:9
❤️
Dear Kristin,
I am so blessed to meet you in this beautiful space. I needed to hear from someone on the inside. I know you have taken a lot of heat. As Charlotte stated in her response - should she? be really angry at the nurse, or nurses, doctors, staff that mistreated - it felt justified - and yet for God's sake - no one knew how each person inside was dealing with everything that was also changing, per utter insanity, every five minutes. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for having the courage to speak and write about how it was for you and how you will never accept how it went down. I know it haunts you and I cannot imagine that punishment to your heart. I also know you have recovered your life and stayed the course, seeing brightly God's plan for you to continue what you had originally signed up for - which was to care and love on your patients.
God keep you always. I do look forward to a conversation with you on the podcast. oxoxox
If I started writing my publication one or two years ago I would have been able to place blame somewhere be cause I felt so angry. The worst part is I have no answer, couldn’t tell you what was real and what wasn’t anymore. It feels like a nightmare and honestly keeps me up at night sometimes still 4 years later. The more I talk about it, the better it gets. That’s a great place to start. ❤️
I'm so glad you can talk about it and push forward. Talking about it is the best thing you can do. The raw honesty makes it come to life and get it out. Being swept up in that kind of insanity was not for the meek. I am sure many quit over the lack of humanity. I'm sure many just quit and didn't know what on earth was happening. I'm certain some, like you, hung in there realizing how horrible it was, but also realizing that this was your life's work and how it was going down was not going to define you. The powers that be dangling over our world was what was sinister and remains that way. So, yes. Never again. We will stay awake. Sending you much love always friend. oxox
I remember Patrick’s story and the video of his sister… the horrible treatment! Bless you for honoring him and sharing here this week! You are God’s Angel and the most caring person I know…”keep lifting me up “ says Linda. She knows you so well …knows that you will. I’ve great faith in you too, dearest Deb! God Bless and much love to you. ❤️😇
Dear Friend, yes, so very hard. This Friday is the three year mark. The family is strong, yet this is a tough time. It reminds them of the lack of humanity. So they choose to celebrate Patrick on his birthday (Nov.) and walk through this time as best they can. They can use all the prayers and all the compassion. Someday, all eyes and ears will open to all that happened during the last four years. Too many young people lost their lives (non-vax, vax'd) or were injured and there is no curiosity. That's what we pray for. The curiosity of a child. The sympathy and empathy that we used to have as a society overall. The compassion of leaders.
Thank you for reading and leaving me such a lovely comment. Sending you my love. oxox
My sweet friend, while I wallow in my grief for Anita. God is working my life, things I need, things I didn't think I needed. And he is holding me and speaking to my heart and I am so trying to listen. I hate being like this but I am trying to let some light back in. Continue to lift me up. And I promise to keep climbing this mountain. I love you my friend and I pray God's blessings on you and yours.
My Dear Friend, I know how hard this is. Do not beat yourself up. Because you are so strong and wonderfully made by Him, you will begin to find the joy will walk alongside the grief. You will dance for Anita to her favorite music. You will laugh and you will be held through that. I know you try every single day. It will happen. Don't stop going forward and crawl into His cocoon and stay as long as you need. I find that prayer is honestly what God is calling us to do in this fallen world. Our loved ones are thankfully at peace and made anew. We are left here to fight for all the goodness that they spread here on earth. Anita is watching over you and she will help bring you her joy. The kind you had as kids. I love you and so sorry I have an aversion to Facebook (it's my problem!) - Plus I've been running to writing (like a crazy woman) as if it's breath. oxox
I am blessed with three other wonderful brothers ☺️. Thank you for the extra love, it is extra appreciated. I hope you are enjoying a beautiful weekend, and we’ll talk soon ❤️
I am finally catching up! That is wonderful to hear. I have just one brother. The loss of a child, in a family, has to be one of the hardest things imaginable. And now, after enjoying a “first” with our four grandchildren on the beach, this past Sunday, we hear the awful news of more hostages lives taken. It really compromises the heart - yet I know we must take all that life has to offer - as it is so fleeting. So fragile. The world is a beautiful and a very evil place. I’m going to try and p.m. you today! Have a good week teaching. Sending you much love Jenn. oxox
Beautiful and so very evil. Ah, that sums it up, doesn’t it?
I maybe didn’t mention him; I have not written about him directly in any of my posts, but I comment about him to people sometimes. You are right, the loss never goes away. I will look forward to hearing the podcast with Patrick’s family, i hope they are well and healing after all they’ve been through. That is strange about the DMs, I hope they fix that soon for you, hope frustrating. If you send me one and I don’t respond, drop me a not or a comment and we’ll find a different way to connect and discuss a meeting of our minds ☺️❤️
No, I had no idea. My heart sank to hear this. You have been through so much Jenn :( It's not easy on a family to lose anyone, let alone a young family member. Was this your only sibling? I am truly so sorry :(. Patrick's family keeps going forward, but they all struggle differently. Patrick was the glue for his siblings and just a huge light. His mom is the most beautiful person, so I do hope we get to talk and Patrick's Story, and others, continue to be told. We will stay in touch. I'm thinking the end of September. I would love to run ideas by you. Have a good weekend Jenn. Sending you extra love. oxox
Ah, Deb, this is beautiful. Thank you. It brings to mind my lost brother who passed unexpectedly and accidentally at 26 full of life and the good things he knew to be in store that would never come to pass. I know I already told you. I will pray for Patrick’s family as they are surely still healing. And endeavor to be the best of me, thank you for that reminder. Sending love and gratitude ❤️
Dear Jenn, thank you for reading this. I know how hard it is to balance the time with teaching and being a parent, wife and artist. I don't believe you told me this about your brother and my heart sank to hear this. I have just one sibling, a brother - so I cannot imagine. To lose someone so young, and unexpectedly, like your brother, Patrick, so full of life and plans - it's devastating. The loss never goes away. I believe I am having Patrick's mom and sister on the podcast in October. I'd love to have you after that to talk about art, homeschooling and even loss if you're up to it. I will reach out soon. My DM is apparently not working for "everyone" as it's set up to work. It's only working for a few people and apparently other people can't message me? nor I them. I don't get it. I haven't changed anything - but I hope it's fixed soon! Sending you much love and gratitude back. oxox
So sorry for your loss. May you find comfort in the memories. Yes, we must seek joy even after a tragedy occurs, life is a gift so we must keep going until we are called to His side. Beautiful piece.
Dear Kathy, maybe after the family gets through today - three years since Patrick passed - they will see this. Thank you so much. Patrick was full of joy. They posted his memorial video and it's so joyous. Such a beautiful young man. He accepted Christ into his life a few years before he died and left many gifts of wisdom behind. A friend of Patricks posted a snippet of a personal phone conversation today, that he had with Patrick. Patrick's family had never heard it before. A testimony to "pursuing God, pursuing truth and light. To digging deep. Asking all the questions. Not mimicking what others say, but to really know Him."
With that is where we all pick up the torch and keep going. Thank you for your comment. oxox
I feel their pain very keenly (and am crying even as I type this)! My family went through nearly the exact same thing in October of 2021. Both my sister and I went into the hospital with covid pnuemonia in the same week - she on the Monday, and I on the Saturday - and the following Wednesday (October 13th) we both went home, only I went home with our parents while she went home to Glory. Her first doctor had been cautiously optimistic that she would be alright (and she was improving) and then suddenly he was telling us that he was leaving and she would be getting a new doctor and that's when she took a drastic turn for the worse. I know how badly they treated her there, because I ended up in the ICU room next to hers and they tried some of the same tactics on me too. The only thing that holds me together when I think of what happened there (some of which still haunts me horribly) and the shock of losing her is that, while we may have been surprised, God was not. He was still in control and, for reasons beyond our understanding, that was the time He chose to call her home to Him. And, while I may not know why He chose to call her home when He did, I do know the character of God and that He is always good, He makes no mistakes, and does nothing wrong so I simply have to trust that He knew what He was doing. I also know that, one day, those responsible will stand before Him and the Judge of all the earth shall do right. Deuteronomy 32:35 and Romans 12:17-19 are a huge comfort right now in the days in which we live, and, even more so, Luke 21:28.
Dearest Laura, I am crying reading this. I can only imagine, as a sibling and parent, what you have all suffered. Thank God, for your faith, in the end, as His grip on you and you on Him, is what sees every single day through. Insurmountable grief, as you pursue His joy in your daily living. Joy for your sister and the life she lead. I am so sorry for all you have been through and for the loss of your precious sister. We pray that a window opens up for the Light to shine so bright it burns curiosity and truth into the eyes and ears of many who turn away and are ambivalent to suffering. I, too, believe those responsible will stand before Him and be judged.
Today is three years since Patrick's passing just before your dear sister. I will remember your sister and keep you and your family in my prayers. Keep loving, moving forward with the love of your sister, carrying you, carrying her truth - the Truth you know. Keep speaking for her, as Patrick's oldest sister speaks for him, hears his voice saying to never stop. This is what He came for. This is why we are living in a time like this. God Bless you and keep you and your family Laura. oxox
We can learn about Joy and Love from our Children's example:
Allow the little children to come to Me, and forbid them not. For of such is the kingdom of God. Truly I say to you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no way enter into it. (Luke 18:15-17)
Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful Day of the Lord: And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the Earth with utter destruction. (Mal 4:5-6)
Listen to your children and love them as God loves you. They are his gift to you as to how to love him!
Martin! yes, yes, yes! I love this. Thank you. I hope my friend sees this. It's a hard week. One of the best lines from a book we read, many years ago, in a marriage Bible study, was "every day, look at each other as children of God." Really puts into perspective how we should see one another. Thank you for reading and leaving this special comment. Patrick was such a special young man and he loved the Lord. ox
Thanks for writing this post and keeping the memory of the VAXX victims alive- we must never let this happen again and must reverse all their corrupt legislation that has been passed to support the medical horrors that make money for big pharma.
We must also always remember that there is a bigger purpose being worked out here below:
Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of all his saints. (Psa 116:15)
Also loved that photo, is that one you took? It is so dynamic and joy filled!
Dear Martin, what a hard day today is for Patrick's family. Patrick was full of joy. It's how I will always remember him. We must keep speaking the truth for him and so many others. We must also pursue joy. Not a "self"-driven display. The joy that can only come through Christ. He is working out a much bigger purpose as you say here. We have to trust that He is Sovereign to the end.
And yesss! That is my grandson a few years ago. The trampoline has been his absolute joy since he could walk! I have TONS of images like this! It's great when I can bring the real camera out and stick it in overdrive! Thank you :) It was perfect for this. Have a good weekend and thank you for your comments. They are very much appreciated. ox