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“Absence is such a large house that you’ll walk through the walls, hang pictures in sheer air.” — Pablo Neruda
She just stood there and watched as he knelt down and began to unravel.
Sarge buried his head in Mark’s chest and didn’t move.
Susana also fell to her knees. For what seemed like hours, unable to move or utter a word, the adrenaline of rescue felt like a puncture wound draining years of trauma from her core. What was it? what happened to him? to her?, she thought. Suddenly, a rush of snapshots flashed before her with the kind of speed and confusion people talk about when you’re seconds from death. But you live to tell it. A little girl, a wedding dress, Papa’s laugh, her tricycle, laundry on the line, evening breezes, party lights, vows, Mama in the kitchen, Milo riding shotgun, boys wrestling, her brother begging her to come home, the truck, Tony smiling, her bedroom, toasts, faces of all the animals, arms wrapped around her, the dusty old town, line dancing, mama’s death, the woman, Papa’s tears, the jacket.
Her life of longing and avoiding with no escape hatch.
Susana was 21 when Tony dumped her. 43 years later, staring at Mark, she could have gone home, started over, helped her family. Maybe married again? No. And now she was flaming mad at a man she barely knew for doing the same. He abandoned them.
She felt colder than normal.
Shivering, Susana got up and knelt down near Mark. Sarge was now half asleep. “Mark, her mind kicked in, “he looks like he needs water.” “We, I mean you, need to get him to a vet.” “Why is he here? in this mess? oh my God. Never mind, please, I don’t. I don’t understand what happened.” He looked up at her and said, “I need to talk to you. Will you let me now?” His eyes red and swollen, choking on his words, holding that gorgeous boy. “I have some water and food.” “I’ll need to wait ‘til morning to get him checked out.” “He’s a tough dog Susana.” “I had no idea it would come to this with my parents.” His nose was running, embarrassed. “But I should have known. I should have known.”
In a way, they were both pathetic, she thought. Susana had deeply judged him, but still couldn’t wrap her head around how horrible it all was. “Look, I need to get Beauty home. I might call in sick to work,” she said. “If you don’t go to work can we at least speak on the phone after I get back from the vet? Set up a time to talk?” “Nothing I’m gonna say is an excuse. Just the truth.” “I need to find my dad.” “I. I screwed up Susana.” “I loved her. My mom. She put up with so much.” “I’m sorry you had to see this.” “Maybe I need a few days, but can I see you at some point?” Mark was looking down the whole time holding Sarge.
When he looked up at her, Susana was walking away, through the field, her headlamp shining steady downward, the stench, a reminder of her parent’s dream, except it wasn’t a horrific ending. Oh Papa. You were right to leave when you did, she thought, as the tears began to break the dam she had built. All these years. Grit, love, could not overcome the pain and humiliation of her own dreams collapsing. Isolated in a trailer with a bunch of unwanted pets and a stubborn sense of pride.
Tears now flowing, Beauty was licking the salt off her face, smelling Sarge on her clothes, pacing on the bench seat. Susana took her out for a fast pee. She just wanted to get out of this place.
At least she was wide awake when she arrived home at 2am. One by one the sleepy crew woke, stepped into the dark cold night, sorted, snorted, shifted weight, then up the trailer steps, one by one, and right back to slumberland. Susana set her alarm for 6. She’d call in sick and sleep a few more hours. After the 6am business that is. Animals are full-time work. No wonder people get to the point of Jefferson and Margaret, she thought. Everyone needs a little help. “But, seriously? can I ever talk to him again?” she asked Beauty who climbed up on the tiny table turned bed, laying down across her feet.
BAM BAM BAM, Susana woke, 5am, heart pounding, adrenaline on guard. “What the hell?” grappling for her gun. The animals were barking in a chaotic choir, with Beauty growling, nose pressed against the lower door crack. She could see the shadow of a body moving.
Susana had to scream through the door, “Who is it?!! I’m warning you. I’m locked and loaded.”
“It’s me, Mark! I’m so sorry. I know you don’t want to see me, but I found my dad and he’s asking for you.” “He won’t stop asking for you.” “I don’t know why, but he kept saying you came back?” “Did you come back or go there a lot?” Groggy, Susana said, “no. what? I just met your dad, what?” Mark continued, “the nurse told me I might try and talk to you.” “Can you come with me? He’s at Tehachapi Valley.” “They told me he can’t stay much longer and he needs memory care.” “I can’t even, I don’t know, but I think they found a bed, whatever that means.” “They said something about signing his estate over to cover costs but oh my God Susana I realize I have no one at this point.” “I don’t know why he wants to see you.” “I know I don’t deserve your help, but can you come with me now, or can you just come?” he said with a mix of honesty in his face and absolute despair in his tone.
Susana opened the trailer door to a peek, peered out and answered loudly, “Look, Mark. Would you stop it Beauty! Stop it!! Everyone!! stop it!” she grabbed a whistle, blowing violently, as Mark covered his ears. Sniffing and shoving, the crew backed off cowering around her legs, still trying to get a whiff of Mark. “Okay, okay, can you go now, pushing them back with her foot.” Truly, they were a good lot to protect her the way they did. Starting over, she said, “look, Mark, I obviously have some duties here. I still need to call in sick. Gotta wait another hour. Then I’ll come. Okay?”
Staring at her in the same dirty clothes he was wearing just a few hours ago, he said a relieved, “thank you,” and began to walk back to his truck. “Hey! where’s Sarge?” Susana yelled, still standing with the door cracked half open. “Oh, I found a 24 hour emergency vet in Bakersfield. They’re keeping him on fluids, running some bloodwork, til tonight,” Mark answered. “They said he’s a strong dog. The wolf in him kept him alive.”
Susana nodded and slowly shut the door pretending this was not her life. Nope, this is not happening, she thought. “I need a hot shower,” she said to the seven pairs of eyes staring at her. Someday. For now, hot coffee and an ice cold wash.
A few hours later Susana made her way 40 minutes to the hospital. She found Mark sitting by Jefferson’s side, staring at the frail old man sleeping. A nurse brushed by her, “Sorry,” Susana said, walking in. Standing awkwardly, her tiny figure wished she was with her Papa and her brothers. It’s where she belonged.
“You know my mom put up with a lot,” Mark’s voice so quiet Susana could barely hear him. “She really tried. I loved her so much,” tears streaming down his face. Susana took a seat on the opposite side of the bed. “Dad suffered with PTSD after Nam.” “We didn’t know a lot, but mom said he lost his best friend. Couldn’t save him, although he tried,” Mark continued staring at Jefferson now. “Dad refused to leave him behind in the jungle to rot. They were in the middle of a fire fight.” “He carried his best,” shaking his head. “His best friend’s body over his shoulder to a helicopter and the medi-vac refused him.” “He was dead.” “Can you imagine?” Mark went on as if all of this was penetrating his soul for the first time. “Dad stayed behind, got hit in the shoulder and taken prisoner by the Viet Cong.” “They held him and a bunch of other guys for eight years Susana.” “Eight years.” “Til something called Operation Homecoming in 1973.” “Can you believe?” now sucking up his runny nose. Taking his dad’s old hand, all hooked up to i.v.’s, Mark said, “They tortured him.” “And when he came home, a few years later, him and mom had me.” “They said I was a miracle. A gift that would heal everything,” now barely able to talk, Mark apologized and just cried over Jefferson. “Mom and Kathy waited all those years.”
“I’m sorry,” Susana said staring down the scene before her. Am I hallucinating? Who’s Kathy? He’s 16 years younger than me. Why am I here? she thought. Mark got up and paced, “You know, I tried. I really tried.” “My sister. My older sister couldn’t take it.” “She left one day and never came back.” “Kathy was their honeymoon baby.” “God, I loved her. She was funny. She’d collect strays,” he laughed. “I remember Kathy had a basket full of kittens and their mama under her bed.” “Dad had bad allergies but she didn’t care.” “I remember being five laying on my belly watching the mama cat feed her babies.” “Kathy was 15.” “I never realized how much responsibility they put on her.” “All she wanted to do was go to college.” “Think I was maybe 12 when she left, saying she’d never come back.” “And she didn’t.” “At that point, I felt the weight of it. You know?” Mark stopped and looked out the window. “I guess I became the rock between mom and dad.” “It was a lot,” his voice trailed off.
“Excuse me,” Susana said, “I need to make a phone call.” She went out to the hallway near the vending machine. Good God she was starving. “Hello. yeah, this is Susana Clemente. I’m checking in on the incident at Jefferson Smith’s farm last night.” “In fact, I’m at the hospital with him.” “Is anyone. Has anyone gone out to get the deceased animals? thank you,” she said, “yeah, I’ll hold.” Everything was recorded.
“Ma’am, looks like there’s a hazmat team scheduled for early tomorrow morning,” said the dispatch operator.
“Thank you, I appreciate it,” said Susana.
The dispatch operator was an old friend. “One more thing ma’am.” “Susana, they’re sending investigators over too. Mark knows.”
“Oh. Okay. Thank you,” Susana was looking at Mark and Jefferson through the observation window. She walked back in and sat down again. Jefferson was still asleep. “Where’s Kathy now?” Susana asked Mark. He looked so beaten down. “Haven’t seen her since the day she left.”
The room fell silent, except for the beep from the cardiac monitor and a very quiet nurse taking vitals, cleaning the bathroom.
Mark looked straight at Susana. “You know, I hired someone to take care of their farm.” “Care for the animals.” “What? I don’t understand. How could,” she didn’t finish, before Mark said, “could he do this?” “Good question.” “A few months ago, the last time I checked in on them, before dad lost it again, things looked okay.” “Maybe it could have looked better? but everything was alive.” “God, I don’t know, I believed this guy.” “Called him every other day, had him screened before I hired him.” “A veteran too.” “I’d bring groceries every week, but dad wouldn’t open the door. He was mad I didn’t want that life,” shaking his head he got up and went out to the hallway, saying, “He never let it go.” Susana followed him. “You know, I had no idea mom was dying and he was trying to handle it.” “He’d say they were fine. Just couldn’t get to the store.” “Did some local dial-a-ride for appointments. Everything was fine, blah blah blah,” squeezing his face, “I should have busted in there.” “And Sarge? what was that all… why? is he your dog?” Susana said, her face a blank. Mark smiled through his red eyes, “He was hanging out near my shop a few months ago,” Susana interrupted, “a dump?” “I think. yeah,” Mark said. “why didn’t you say anything about him to me?” “I mean, I am the town animal savior.” Mark looked at her and said, “that’s why Susana.” “He was either dumped or got away from someone. Never seen him before. Special. You know?” “I know, they’re all special,” he went on, “I couldn’t keep him at the shop. You know I live upstairs, kinda rag tag.” “Anyways, I knew Obadiah was getting old and this guy I hired said he’d be glad to take Sarge on,” Mark was shaking his head and put his hands over his face. “Jesus Susana. What have I done.”
A nurse came out and told them Jefferson was awake. She warned them he didn’t really know where he was. Mark whispered to Susana, before they went in, “that’s another thing? I didn’t see the signs.”
They took a seat by Jefferson’s bedside and asked him how he was feeling.
His voice was so dry, Susana poured him some water. As he sipped through the straw, he looked at her for the longest time. “Kathy?” “Where’s my Maggie?” “She needs her tea.” “Have you seen Obadiah?” Jefferson, slowly moved his head toward Mark, and suddenly shook with all the strength he had, his face turning bright red, “I told you I don’t need anything from you boy!!” “Please,” he grabbed Susana’s hand, holding the cup, spilling water everywhere, “Kathy, take me home.” Weeping now, Jefferson said, “I just want to go home.”
So did Susana. She wanted to go home. Where life blossomed in the quiet work of passion. And love was never disturbed by war.
Photography: by Deborah T. Hewitt Music: Home Again by Carole King
