My dear sweet friend, I am so sorry you were that broken. However, if they are completely honest Everyone has stood at the edge of abyss so much in pain, hopelessness, and no will to live. But thankfully God steps in and sends someone or someone calls to distract and save you from choosing a permanent solution to a momentary situation. After loosing two friends and a sister in law to suicide. I finally realized what God knows, I have important things to do and not to do a horrible thing to those who love me. I have had the feelings of guilt, the questions and the knowledge that I should never do that to those who love me. It hasn't gone away completely. The loss of my sister has made if difficult to carry on. But over the past year, four months, one day, 2 and a half hours, I have struggled but tried to work, smile and live thru what I had hoped I would never have to, the pain of loosing someone who has been there for your entire life. but being the youngest sibling, I have twice and once more to go. I pray to God to keep me so that no one I love has to go thru the loss and guilt. From Me letting go out of selfishness. I pray too, thankful that you have made it to the other side of grief and I am walking to get there holding God's hand every step of the way. Your Odes were so soothing and I enjoyed each one. Thanks for sharing your talent with me and the world. Love you. oxoxox.
Yesss. You have important things to do and in no way do you want to overstep God's plan for you. I was finally able to write this ode in the most honest and joyous way. This time period encapsulated great pain and it was good to breathe it out into words. An ode to what is most important for everyone. A revival of the spirit. A faith that all will be okay. Trust in His plan. Love. Don't beat yourself up. I love you friend. Thank. you for sharing with me. oxoxox
He will revive us if we give him the chance ❤️. I’m so thankful you came through that awful time with renewed energy and vigor. Sending you hugs because even when you’ve recovered, I know some days are still hard ❤️.
It was so good to pour it out and give credit to those who sang no matter what and worship'd no matter what, fearless to understand, and to trust, what we all truly needed during that time. Writing has been the gift that keeps giving to my heart. Thank you so much for understanding it. I do hope that your family is finding peace too. I know it's been hard. love you Jenn. ox
P.S. I had a “vision” after the fact of chariots sweeping my brother’s soul to the heavens a split second before the worst. Interesting that you saw chariots, too!
INCREDIBLE. To see that vision in the clouds was something I will never forget. I can't imagine the gift of that vision you recounted in the aftermath of so much loss :( wow - not knowing - then looking back to find comfort in that vision. That gave me chills. It is interesting that we both had this vision. I must have sounded crazy telling my mom what I saw later that night.
It was wild. Specifically, 4 angels were waiting for him, intervened, swooped him up and carried him off to a chariot. It was a comfort, and I hope your chariot vision was similarly a comfort to you and your mom in the midst of those awful times. ❤️
Wow. just wow Jenn. That is so vivid and so comforting. I don’t think I have ever felt God so close as to that time. Lately I’ve really felt the creative energy and I know that’s from Him. He is close to us and our purpose and story. He is keeping me very busy. Sending you so much love always. ox
I thank you for your honesty and your candor, Deborah. This is what I love about Substack, the only place where people can be themselves, to bare their souls. And, moreover, to find and connect with like-minded souls.
Yes, it was a strange time beginning in March 2020, and I feel that we are not out of it yet. Are we out of danger? Not yet, I fear. There is so much anger, hate, hurt, accusations and hopelessness, as if a whirlwind of chaos has been unleashed on the Earth. Trust bonds have been shattered. Sides taken. Famalies torn apart.
Yes, these are difficult times. Healing is required coast to coast. It will not be easy. It requires the sort of candor and honesty that you have shown here. But from everyone, including the nation's political leaders. Are they ready, willing and able? Are they humble enough?
If the young people on uni campuses can find hope through faith, then that is a good thing. The young today do not have much hope, because so many once-strong institutions failed them (and us) in 2020.
For me, the only constant and reliable source of comfort has been Nature, and in particular the birds. I am so thankful and grateful to the birds, who sang their hearts out during the coldest and darkest times. And, of course, the presence of my faithful companion, Arya the Cockatiel.
Oh Perry, your comment here has really warmed my heart. What jumped out at me (and knowing what you have personally been through in your life) was the word "healing." Also, "humble," in terms of our leaders. They are self-focused. Yes, our nations need healing. I've had a heavy heart for the young and when I see so many throwing it all down to walk towards faith it really makes me well up with tears. No amount of living for what others say, do and think will build a strong future of grown adults. We are human beings with the right to grow up and be what we are made to be. Not some idea of what society or agenda absorbed leadership wants us to be. The young are really struggling. This is also the downfall of the instantaneous gratification - which is really no gratification at all. It just teaches impatience and removes all life lessons of patience and determination to succeed at something. To become.
Seeing this fresh wind and fire burn through the universities is truly a miracle. Students walking away from classrooms where they are being taught to think alike are opening up their arms to ground their spirit. To feel loved when it doesn't feel as if anyone is looking out for "their best interests." I hope it sends them into the forests and down to the ocean, to "notice." Creation is amazing. Just hanging out with Arya tells you so. Simply miraculous. The preoccupation that comes with their phones/apps, each other, idols/stars, and what they are being taught is destroying them. And many are sensing this. That's what happens when things get really bad. We get called back to God, to a spiritual center. To HOPE. A natural hunger. Thank you so much Perry. ox
Your radical honesty is breathtaking. Oh the lows of the heart… to feel your own heart break in grief is a pain that was too heavy for you. But Jesus. Let’s cling to the God of the broken, our beautiful Humble King. Love you my friend.
Friend, I feel God moving in me so deeply that I have been exhausted and excited all at the same time. I can't explain it. This came quick when I thought I'd wait it out. I have loved offering this all up to Him. A good sob afterward. He knows what we need. And, yes, let's cling to the God of the broken. He is so good. I love you back. Thank you. oxox
I remember being in my own dark tunnel, when someone reminded me about the light at the end. Well, at the time I didn’t see annnnnnny light. And how cliché? But then a glimmer sparked and became brighter until I was out of that chasm. Thank God for God! I’m so happy you came out too! Sending you do much love and empathy Deborah ✨💜🤗🙏
I know what that feel like and it’s very surreal to look back. I can’t see her. Like a protective layer that won’t allow me to go that deep ever again. I can remember sleeping all the time and waking at odd hours choke-crying. It doesn’t seem real to me anymore. I just say it. God’s got my whole heart now and I’m creating in gratitude. I believe you are as well. Those glimmers and sparks are the rain of angels and moments He brought into our life that we can now see as part of our story. It’s beautiful. Love you. ox
Thank you so much Jenni. I thank God you are here and He's using me to shine a light. I have no idea otherwise where this is coming from. I was utterly exhausted when I got to the end of these odes. It came like a surge. Much love to you too. oxox
I spent several years in San Francisco back in the 70s and your photo was something I saw many many times. The fog is so real it should have it's own name. I hope your post was cathartic for you. Writing about difficult times is both helpful and healthy. I, too, was going through some troubling times while living there.
I was a relatively new widow and grieving. San Francisco is such a vibrant city which is why I chose to live there, but it was almost too beautiful, too vibrant, too free and easy and that made it harder for me. Well, that was a long time ago now. I'm still here. I made it through, as you did.
Wow. You lived there when it was quite the hippy movement. Nothing is really different in history. It comes and goes. There's been so much tech in the last 20 years that the young don't know anything else and it's like a drug. Always wrapped up differently, but has the same results it seems. Emptiness. My youngest works in a safe house for the drug addicted in S.F. He is saying that the high level THC in pot, over the last several years (not the "old" stuff of our day) has a direct link with schizophrenia. It's so sad. And the system sets up most of his patients for failure :(
I can't imagine what it would be like to be a widow and I can imagine going somewhere different. I'm sorry for what you went through. We can make it through for sure. This was extremely cathartic for me. I shut my computer and cried. These odes came from the spirit moving me. I have no other way of explaining. I look back and think what on earth am I writing and rhyming. I'm so deep in it when it's happening. Like a pouring or a cleansing. Then I walk away.
Yes, the hippy movement was everywhere. I was flying with TWA at the time and most of the time I was on call and had to be ready to go on a moment's notice. No time or opportunity to even get my feet wet in the hippy movement. But had I been able to, I probably wouldn't have healed as easily as I needed to. As you said, drugs only postpone feeling anything and to grieve, you have to be almost entirely in touch with your feelings.
Oh wow, yeah, being busy like that would have helped tremendously in terms of staying away from the hippy movement. Were you a pilot or flight attendant? I flew for Golden West for a few years until they and everyone else folded. Bad time to get in. I was 19-21 yrs old. 1979 to 1981. We actually partnered with TWA so I remember the crews walking off the planes at LAX crying when TWA folded. That's when I knew we were next. It happened on a stop in Santa Maria, Ca. Crazy times.
You must have gone through so much. I'm glad you came through and have full life. What a blessing to be here and meet such beautiful people like you C.J.. ox
Thank you Mama. I love it too. I shut the computer and cried. It was serious for awhile back in the summer of 2020. No matter what I've been called to do here to get well, or what I've written through this healing process - it was admitting this that finally drained it all out of me. The last drop. Death to rebirth is a beautiful process, in reflection, once you make it through. It most definitely can be more than just once. Loss does that. I know you know. Sometimes we just want to go... But then we're reminded that we still have a purpose here on earth.
Oh Hazel! Yay! You followed Sean too! A very brave man. He walked straight into the fire. But then he was on a boat deep in the Amazon, with his father, when he was ten years old and he saw miraculous healing on missions. He prayed with the Taliban and was captured by rebels I believe in the Congo. He has done a thousand more things than that and is the living spirit of revival. He has been through more abuse than most, but continues to stand. The cross is a heavy burden to bear and most of us fall over with it on our back. It's the getting back up that counts. We don't live for man or principalities. We live for our Creator.
So glad you are here with me Hazel. God is good like that. Thank you so much for this. oxox
My dear sweet friend, I am so sorry you were that broken. However, if they are completely honest Everyone has stood at the edge of abyss so much in pain, hopelessness, and no will to live. But thankfully God steps in and sends someone or someone calls to distract and save you from choosing a permanent solution to a momentary situation. After loosing two friends and a sister in law to suicide. I finally realized what God knows, I have important things to do and not to do a horrible thing to those who love me. I have had the feelings of guilt, the questions and the knowledge that I should never do that to those who love me. It hasn't gone away completely. The loss of my sister has made if difficult to carry on. But over the past year, four months, one day, 2 and a half hours, I have struggled but tried to work, smile and live thru what I had hoped I would never have to, the pain of loosing someone who has been there for your entire life. but being the youngest sibling, I have twice and once more to go. I pray to God to keep me so that no one I love has to go thru the loss and guilt. From Me letting go out of selfishness. I pray too, thankful that you have made it to the other side of grief and I am walking to get there holding God's hand every step of the way. Your Odes were so soothing and I enjoyed each one. Thanks for sharing your talent with me and the world. Love you. oxoxox.
Yesss. You have important things to do and in no way do you want to overstep God's plan for you. I was finally able to write this ode in the most honest and joyous way. This time period encapsulated great pain and it was good to breathe it out into words. An ode to what is most important for everyone. A revival of the spirit. A faith that all will be okay. Trust in His plan. Love. Don't beat yourself up. I love you friend. Thank. you for sharing with me. oxoxox
He will revive us if we give him the chance ❤️. I’m so thankful you came through that awful time with renewed energy and vigor. Sending you hugs because even when you’ve recovered, I know some days are still hard ❤️.
It was so good to pour it out and give credit to those who sang no matter what and worship'd no matter what, fearless to understand, and to trust, what we all truly needed during that time. Writing has been the gift that keeps giving to my heart. Thank you so much for understanding it. I do hope that your family is finding peace too. I know it's been hard. love you Jenn. ox
Keep pouring your heart out, Deb, this is the sort of beauty we need. Sending you love ☺️❤️
P.S. I had a “vision” after the fact of chariots sweeping my brother’s soul to the heavens a split second before the worst. Interesting that you saw chariots, too!
INCREDIBLE. To see that vision in the clouds was something I will never forget. I can't imagine the gift of that vision you recounted in the aftermath of so much loss :( wow - not knowing - then looking back to find comfort in that vision. That gave me chills. It is interesting that we both had this vision. I must have sounded crazy telling my mom what I saw later that night.
It was wild. Specifically, 4 angels were waiting for him, intervened, swooped him up and carried him off to a chariot. It was a comfort, and I hope your chariot vision was similarly a comfort to you and your mom in the midst of those awful times. ❤️
Wow. just wow Jenn. That is so vivid and so comforting. I don’t think I have ever felt God so close as to that time. Lately I’ve really felt the creative energy and I know that’s from Him. He is close to us and our purpose and story. He is keeping me very busy. Sending you so much love always. ox
I love how he is speaking through you and using you for his purpose. Keep being his vessel, my friend!
I thank you for your honesty and your candor, Deborah. This is what I love about Substack, the only place where people can be themselves, to bare their souls. And, moreover, to find and connect with like-minded souls.
Yes, it was a strange time beginning in March 2020, and I feel that we are not out of it yet. Are we out of danger? Not yet, I fear. There is so much anger, hate, hurt, accusations and hopelessness, as if a whirlwind of chaos has been unleashed on the Earth. Trust bonds have been shattered. Sides taken. Famalies torn apart.
Yes, these are difficult times. Healing is required coast to coast. It will not be easy. It requires the sort of candor and honesty that you have shown here. But from everyone, including the nation's political leaders. Are they ready, willing and able? Are they humble enough?
If the young people on uni campuses can find hope through faith, then that is a good thing. The young today do not have much hope, because so many once-strong institutions failed them (and us) in 2020.
For me, the only constant and reliable source of comfort has been Nature, and in particular the birds. I am so thankful and grateful to the birds, who sang their hearts out during the coldest and darkest times. And, of course, the presence of my faithful companion, Arya the Cockatiel.
Oh Perry, your comment here has really warmed my heart. What jumped out at me (and knowing what you have personally been through in your life) was the word "healing." Also, "humble," in terms of our leaders. They are self-focused. Yes, our nations need healing. I've had a heavy heart for the young and when I see so many throwing it all down to walk towards faith it really makes me well up with tears. No amount of living for what others say, do and think will build a strong future of grown adults. We are human beings with the right to grow up and be what we are made to be. Not some idea of what society or agenda absorbed leadership wants us to be. The young are really struggling. This is also the downfall of the instantaneous gratification - which is really no gratification at all. It just teaches impatience and removes all life lessons of patience and determination to succeed at something. To become.
Seeing this fresh wind and fire burn through the universities is truly a miracle. Students walking away from classrooms where they are being taught to think alike are opening up their arms to ground their spirit. To feel loved when it doesn't feel as if anyone is looking out for "their best interests." I hope it sends them into the forests and down to the ocean, to "notice." Creation is amazing. Just hanging out with Arya tells you so. Simply miraculous. The preoccupation that comes with their phones/apps, each other, idols/stars, and what they are being taught is destroying them. And many are sensing this. That's what happens when things get really bad. We get called back to God, to a spiritual center. To HOPE. A natural hunger. Thank you so much Perry. ox
Your radical honesty is breathtaking. Oh the lows of the heart… to feel your own heart break in grief is a pain that was too heavy for you. But Jesus. Let’s cling to the God of the broken, our beautiful Humble King. Love you my friend.
Friend, I feel God moving in me so deeply that I have been exhausted and excited all at the same time. I can't explain it. This came quick when I thought I'd wait it out. I have loved offering this all up to Him. A good sob afterward. He knows what we need. And, yes, let's cling to the God of the broken. He is so good. I love you back. Thank you. oxox
I remember being in my own dark tunnel, when someone reminded me about the light at the end. Well, at the time I didn’t see annnnnnny light. And how cliché? But then a glimmer sparked and became brighter until I was out of that chasm. Thank God for God! I’m so happy you came out too! Sending you do much love and empathy Deborah ✨💜🤗🙏
I know what that feel like and it’s very surreal to look back. I can’t see her. Like a protective layer that won’t allow me to go that deep ever again. I can remember sleeping all the time and waking at odd hours choke-crying. It doesn’t seem real to me anymore. I just say it. God’s got my whole heart now and I’m creating in gratitude. I believe you are as well. Those glimmers and sparks are the rain of angels and moments He brought into our life that we can now see as part of our story. It’s beautiful. Love you. ox
Your spirit shines a bright light here for me and as I read comments, many others. I thank God that you are here. :) Much love from ~Jenni
Thank you so much Jenni. I thank God you are here and He's using me to shine a light. I have no idea otherwise where this is coming from. I was utterly exhausted when I got to the end of these odes. It came like a surge. Much love to you too. oxox
I spent several years in San Francisco back in the 70s and your photo was something I saw many many times. The fog is so real it should have it's own name. I hope your post was cathartic for you. Writing about difficult times is both helpful and healthy. I, too, was going through some troubling times while living there.
I was a relatively new widow and grieving. San Francisco is such a vibrant city which is why I chose to live there, but it was almost too beautiful, too vibrant, too free and easy and that made it harder for me. Well, that was a long time ago now. I'm still here. I made it through, as you did.
hugs and peace
Wow. You lived there when it was quite the hippy movement. Nothing is really different in history. It comes and goes. There's been so much tech in the last 20 years that the young don't know anything else and it's like a drug. Always wrapped up differently, but has the same results it seems. Emptiness. My youngest works in a safe house for the drug addicted in S.F. He is saying that the high level THC in pot, over the last several years (not the "old" stuff of our day) has a direct link with schizophrenia. It's so sad. And the system sets up most of his patients for failure :(
I can't imagine what it would be like to be a widow and I can imagine going somewhere different. I'm sorry for what you went through. We can make it through for sure. This was extremely cathartic for me. I shut my computer and cried. These odes came from the spirit moving me. I have no other way of explaining. I look back and think what on earth am I writing and rhyming. I'm so deep in it when it's happening. Like a pouring or a cleansing. Then I walk away.
Hugs and peace to you too C.J. - Thank you. ox
Yes, the hippy movement was everywhere. I was flying with TWA at the time and most of the time I was on call and had to be ready to go on a moment's notice. No time or opportunity to even get my feet wet in the hippy movement. But had I been able to, I probably wouldn't have healed as easily as I needed to. As you said, drugs only postpone feeling anything and to grieve, you have to be almost entirely in touch with your feelings.
Thank you for your kind condolences. 💞❤️
Oh wow, yeah, being busy like that would have helped tremendously in terms of staying away from the hippy movement. Were you a pilot or flight attendant? I flew for Golden West for a few years until they and everyone else folded. Bad time to get in. I was 19-21 yrs old. 1979 to 1981. We actually partnered with TWA so I remember the crews walking off the planes at LAX crying when TWA folded. That's when I knew we were next. It happened on a stop in Santa Maria, Ca. Crazy times.
You must have gone through so much. I'm glad you came through and have full life. What a blessing to be here and meet such beautiful people like you C.J.. ox
I was a flight attendant.
Beautiful people also includes you, Deborah. 💞❤️
Thank you C.J. - I have you on my catchup list of things to read. I am very slow! ox
Whew, I thought maybe I was the only one with a catch up list 😁😁💞
Lovely.❤️🙏
This truly means so much to me, Mary, that you read this. Thank you. Love you. ox
Deborah, your posts are always so heartfelt and inspiring. Much love xoxo 💕
Thank you. I am always amazed by your writing. I have your latest on my list of "must get to asap!" ox
This is my favorite of your Odes. From death to rebirth it is a familiar journey that many of us have taken, sometimes more than just once.
Thank you Mama. I love it too. I shut the computer and cried. It was serious for awhile back in the summer of 2020. No matter what I've been called to do here to get well, or what I've written through this healing process - it was admitting this that finally drained it all out of me. The last drop. Death to rebirth is a beautiful process, in reflection, once you make it through. It most definitely can be more than just once. Loss does that. I know you know. Sometimes we just want to go... But then we're reminded that we still have a purpose here on earth.
I love you so much. ox
Oh Hazel! Yay! You followed Sean too! A very brave man. He walked straight into the fire. But then he was on a boat deep in the Amazon, with his father, when he was ten years old and he saw miraculous healing on missions. He prayed with the Taliban and was captured by rebels I believe in the Congo. He has done a thousand more things than that and is the living spirit of revival. He has been through more abuse than most, but continues to stand. The cross is a heavy burden to bear and most of us fall over with it on our back. It's the getting back up that counts. We don't live for man or principalities. We live for our Creator.
So glad you are here with me Hazel. God is good like that. Thank you so much for this. oxox