Frailty and Strength
ya beg, ya steal, ya borrow...
“You've been howling at the moon like a slack jawed fool
And breaking every rule they can throw on
But one of these days it's gonna be right soon
You'll find your legs and go and stay gone
Young man, full of big plans and thinking about tomorrow
Young man, going to make a stand
You beg, steal, you borrow
Ya beg, ya steal, ya borrow…
- Ray LaMontagne | Beg, Steal or Borrow
What these last four years have taught me as a parent is that I have no mastery over anything, except for what God has given me to do with my life.
We were never “helicopter parents.” Trust me, I came from independent folk and married a man who who would make an angel’s wings bigger if he could.
It’s not selfish to say we did our job and we’ve moved on. It’s bold to say, there are too many parents with whirling blades, hovering a little too close. (This is not to say there are exceptions with special needs and many parents in this situation do their best to nurture a level of independence, or set-up a positive situation, because one day the parent will be gone).
It’s a lie to believe you are selfish if you are living the purpose you were created for.
In today’s Tower of Babel, clear discernment is lost.
From the moment I was able to speak I loved children and I knew I wanted to have a child. It was part of my purpose, my longing, which grew stronger when we immigrated.
Creating, keeping busy, music, the arts, etc., lives inside of me and I have never been able to shake my woolgathering tendencies despite living with a construction worker that might give me a mop and fancy bucket for my birthday. Or my built-in and very annoying ability to say “thank you so much,” or “I’m sorry” for no reason at the drop of a hat. Why do I do that?
I had good parents is the answer. They taught me to be polite and I have grown to be politely honest, which is better, OR, I take the Thumper road, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.”
You look up one day and realize you did your job, you gave it all you had and the rest of your duty is to quietly observe and grow wiser.
You stay calm and grow wiser.
The longer you remain on earth, form long-standing relationships, especially with a spouse, dear friend, even a “friend” to a grown child, the deeper the pain when they leave us. We have been building upon these hard seasons our whole lives.
When we were young we were “making big plans.” Dreaming, begging, stealing, borrowing. Hungry to leave home, “yeah, yeah, I get it mom and dad, I get it, butttt… I have my life and my plans and my goals and my romantic notions.”
“Sure, I’ll stay in touch. Yeah, I’ll wear a jacket when it’s cold. You don’t have to pray for me, I’m a good driver. Whatever, I’ll treasure the girl, but I’m gonna live with her first because you and dad did.”
The more I think about my kids, the good times, hard times, the last four years… I realize what a gift it’s been. Where once it hurt deeply, and rightly so, the threshold of my front door was a place all three walked over and out into the world. This was all part of my growth and theirs. The gift of growth never stops.
There are beautiful children, thriving.
There are beautiful grandchildren, thriving.
There are muddles, messes and lovely moments that are assembled from relationships, some with us and most without us.
They are still young and have so very far to go.
“Punching the time and climbing life's long ladder.”
“Dreaming of the day
You're gonna pack your bags
Put the miles away
Oh, just grab your girl and go
Where no one knows you
What will all the old folks say?”
Children are a gift from God. Some say they are on loan.
They are meant to go away and live their life.
We are meant to go forward and live ours. The nest might be closed.., the heart never.
Seems when we get old we’re called frail. I disagree. We have felt the frailty of human love far longer, poured time into beautiful and often dark places, have learned to accept that life carries on in a dim glow of wisdom and have grown stronger for what’s to come.
Frailty and strength no longer begs to be seen, nor steals from itself, thus accepts we are living on borrowed time…
"God always allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of His." - C.S. Lewis
So wonderful, Deb, and really reminded me of Khalil Gibran’s “on Children”. Belonging to themselves and not us …except, as you said, possibly the children with special needs (and yes, I do wonder what will become of my special girl when I’m gone; hopefully she can be mostly independent and her siblings will joyfully be her guardians). Thank you for this beautiful essay. ❤️
It's an amazing show to watch. Beautifully written, Deb.