I wanted to share this collage I worked on through this piece of music. It got under my skin in the same way that I worship. Hands in the air — not a care. I took one of my extra poetry magazines, found an image of an eye and began. I had no idea where it was going, but it seems God always knows. Time is of the essence. It will remain.
Time is my epitaph. Not things.
What I have craved most — the seasons have not aligned. But this is up to me.
I kept hearing over and over, the lyric, “why do I keep falling.” And why? I asked. I came here four years ago on a journey to save myself. From falling. But I have been falling for years. And. I’ve been failing. Failing to see myself clearly without looking back through the lens of others. It seems my entire life I have seen myself only the way others perceive me. Or paint me. So, I decided. It is time to stop falling. Failing. It is time to lean into the only Anchor I know, with my whole mind, body and soul.
God, who considers me His daughter. Who won’t disrespect my heart. Who will always choose me over every other temporary thing. Who will hold me in my joy. And let me wail in my grief. Who will explore all that’s in between too. Who will consider me as lovely and kind, the way I was as a child. Who will love me just the way I am — and help me shed all the preconceived notions that do not belong to me. Who will reprimand my tongue with those who put me last — and help me get back to speaking life — mostly into myself — so that I can speak pure life into those who have let me down. A God who sees my heart. And is interested in “the heart of my art.”
A God who wants to know every inch of me and who can help me recover every true and false part as well.
The parts I have made disappear for years so that I will not disrupt another’s apple cart. The part that waits for what does not show up. The part that’s easy to punish. The parts of my body that have been breaking down, like my recent eye twitching and double stye, the heart palpitations and occipital nerve ending pain behind my head and ears that are constantly sore and the emergency gallbladder surgery, a few years ago. Years of stomach pain and anxiety that were never me. Ironically, the arthritis I inherited actually reminds me to persevere.
The part that lets go of what I love the most. As if that will fix things. The One who will turn my self-punishment into assuredness. Confidence that I am uniquely wired for certain things and they cannot be taken away. Not even by me. And. The One who will rid the baggage I have been carrying that has never belonged to me. I have enough of my own to lug around.
A God who will set me straight in all the areas I am failing myself and others.
Especially the area of feeding negative behavior in the name of fear. Or the false belief that this is an act of kindness.
A God who will return me from isolation and deliver me the promise of renewal, like all seasons promise. The only One who can teach the kind of grace it takes to not only love others — but to truly embrace and love ourselves. Wholy. Holy.
I am no good alone. None of us are.
So. I begin this journey again six years later, ten years later, 15 years later, 20 years later, 30 years later and on and on. I’m tired of falling. Of failing myself.
His grace and love is sufficient for me. So “in the cold light, I live to love and adore You (God) because it’s all that I am, it’s all that I have.”
It is a time. It is a time. Actually. For all of us…
To adore Him.
There will be time.
There is a time.
There Will Be Time by Mumford and Sons & Baaba Maal :
[Verse 1: Baaba Maal]
Listen to me, I want to tell you something
The reason I love you is because
You are the only one who has taught me how to love
And appreciate life
[Chorus: Mumford & Sons]
But in the cold light, I live, to love and adore you
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
In the cold light, I live, I only live for you
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
[Verse 2: Baaba Maal]
To feel hurt and to feel joy
Feelings that come from loving you,
Situations can change,
between the morning and the night
But our love for each other stays the same,
It stays strong; It is constant and it remains true
[Verse 3: Mumford & Sons]
So open up my eyes to a new light
I wandered ‘round your darkened land all night
But I lift up my eyes to a new high
And indeed there will be time
[Chorus: Mumford & Sons]
But in the cold light, I live to love and adore you
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
In the cold light, I live, I’ll only live for you
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
[Chorus 2: Mumford & Sons]
And in the cold light, I live, To love and adore you,
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
And in the cold light, I live, I’ll only live for you,
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
Why do I keep falling?
Why do I keep falling?
[Bridge: Baaba Maal]
There is a time, a time to love,
A time to sing, a time to shine,
A time to stay, a time to go
There is a time, a time to cry,
A time to love, a time to live,
There is a time, a time to sing,
A time to love
[Chorus 2: Mumford & Sons]
And in the cold light, I live to love and adore you
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
And in the cold light, I live to love and adore you
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
Why do I keep falling?
