The Only Person in the Audience
Skating Away...
I’m not here on this Sunday afternoon to say “amen” or pretend that my problems are worse than anyone else’s. They most definitely are not.
This is an amen to real talk.
I’m here in this place today, because just like overwhelming grief can suddenly sweep you up, I’m here today because during the most beautiful parts of my life when God sits me down, front and center stage, takes my hand and swings open the velvet curtain, I am the only person in the audience.
In my mind, long after the curtain drops and the actors clear the stage, I either move on or something deeply lingers. Triggers.
Like the pictures and videos on my iPhone, pre-May 2020, that I pay $9.99 per month to be stored in some magical cloud, yet HAVE to keep on my phone, announcing their skills on my iPad each morning in a musical video production reminding me of what I had. I rarely push the button. The tip of a new and beautiful chapter.
Heavy, full of pain that I’m uncertain I understand, I want to skate away. The ice below is thin. Screaming inside for help, there I go slipping backwards into the freezing cold water.
The sky is blue, sun so radiantly warm. Children laugh.. high on sugar. Small talk. Talk fast. Get your phone out. Cover your face. Don’t cry. Take a picture. Don’t scream. They will hear you and then it’s all over. There will be no more elephant in the room moments for you, center stage, smiling as if the clock rewound to another time. You can do this.
Your husband says to you as you lie down heavy, unable to get up. “I love you and as long as I am able to stand here with you, you can be yourself, you can cry, you can grieve, you can feel and I can hold you. Don’t be mad at yourself. I understand. All you ever wanted was a family. You were made to be a nana and it was taken.” “I know, I miss your dad too.” It’s okay to feel.
But I say, “get up you blessed, shameful person. Get up.” “You’ve been doing so well.”
Estrangement. Withholding. Broken bonds that might last an eternity, because you can feel it, while others without degrees in psychology swear this is not true. Loss.
Hello again. I love you. Keep smiling.
Hold your head up says all who love you and are doing okay that day, until they’re not. Go forward. “You are so blessed…. you have this.. and have that...” goes the list.
Please don’t lose yourself they say…
Keep your memories, your pain, the fact that you might never know what happened, to yourself. Take the plea deal. Let go, let God. You can do this.
Don’t skate away on the thin ice of a new day…
If you are experiencing heaviness, in any capacity… go easy on yourself. Get help if it’s been going on consistently for too many years and holding you back from living a full life. And, most importantly, surround yourself with people who accept you and love you right where you’re at.
“The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to tread on the heights.” - Habakkuk 3:19 Keep climbing…
Deb. Are you O.k.? You seem so sad in your last few posts and I have not otherwise heard from you on Email. You know that I am always home because of my illness. Besides its' been like Hell's sauna here in the Midwest. Incredible heat. so I'm not leaving thr house unless the house becomes hotter than the outside temperature. Contact me any way you can so I know you are coping with whatever issues you are having. Thinking of you and yours Bill
The painful void in your life, whether it haunts you for days, months or years, will lessen, given time. One day you might even be confronted with the words "can you ever forgive me" and whether or not this happens you will come to the realization that you did that and got through it, as there is so much more in your life to love and be loved for the person you are and for those who will always love you.