Into The Unknown

Pacific Northwest Ice Storm 2021 | on iPhone

I can hear you, but I won't.
Some look for trouble
while others don't.
There's a thousand reasons
I should go about my day
and ignore your whispers
which I wish would go away.

You're not a voice.
You're just ringing in my ear.
And if I heard you, which I don't.
I'm spoken for, I fear.
Everyone I've ever loved is here within these walls.

I'm sorry, secret siren, but I'm blocking out your calls.
I've had my adventure, I don't need something new.
I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you.

Into the unknown

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As you know I have been on an emotional journey. One that has a loud resonating gong of grief, joy, justice, pain, curiosity and more all smashed together in a top layer of what has felt like mental dysfunction. What has lied beneath has been more physical pain in most of my joints, extreme nausea and fascinating random headaches that make one of my eyes burst arteries in the most monster like form. Lately, I have found the energy to pursue this medically.

When the world was heading into extreme panic and fear. When many were jumping curbs at the grocery store, vying for a parking space to stock-up on toilet paper, I was staring at a bottle of drugs that were apparently going to save my life.

Like a powerful drug-induced cocktail into the unknown I went. It was dark and lonely for awhile. I had gone from working photography jobs for 20 years, and having what seemed like a normal life with family, into a dark hole. As you know from my writing it didn’t get better. I called my doctor on two different occasions asking questions, only to be brushed off. At one point I cut my tiny pill in half to see if I’d stop aching because afterall I already had arthritis pretty bad. I was denied a heart scan and any information about alternatives.

The door closed on general healthcare for millions of us on March 13th 2020.

I needed an Anna and although I was far from a mythical character like Elsa I did live in an ice cold block house and didn’t realize, up until right now, that what I thought was killing me…grief, was far more than that. I carried on anyways and kept trying.

Street revival and the extremely conscious choice I made not to be vaccinated were my first acts of fearlessness in an unknown forest. I broke through the voices in my own head and began to listen to what I needed to do. Hang on. I needed to hang on with every ounce of strength I had.

But what I didn’t understand until now. Until the ringing of an MRI last week was over in my head and the “all clear” bell rang. What I didn’t know was happening, as I crawled daily into my life, was the extreme likelihood that the little pill I was given was messing with me both physically and emotionally, creating an even bigger messy cloud.

As I sit here and type today I am queasy, sore, and want to give up but I won’t. I sat down on a Sunday morning, completely fed-up, and wrote a short letter within my online medical plan. Typing “I can’t live this way anymore and not one doctor has listened when I talk about this little pill. They shrug it off.” My husband said, “good luck.” It’s true. There hasn’t been much help when we’ve truly needed it culminating in our detest of healthcare we can barely afford.

I closed my laptop and walked into our bedroom. The phone rang. I didn’t answer it and it rang again. It was a local number all jammed together. I answered and the voice of an angel was on the other end. It’s a Sunday. I broke down like a child coming to it’s mother after a fall.

Confession and revival. Everything made sense this morning.

Today, I broke through the ice and tomorrow I will take the first step into Osteopathic Medicine.

Just when I had prided myself on independent and mostly holistic choices I was thrown onto a medical vehicle that sped off into a world-wide viral oblivion. I am not alone. I lost my full strength and ability to see what was happening to me as the pandemic swallowed my family, friends, work and so much more.

The angel on the other end of my phone said “some people get all the adverse symptoms and some people need to be seen as a whole person and not a symptom.” This was not my 35 year healthcare company talking. This was God calling.

There isn’t a time when I babysit and jump on the trampoline where I am not in some form of pain, but it is made so much better with grandchildren. Life, like fresh air, is better if I push through the ice of my four walls I have come to know and just jump into the unknown. We play this song a lot, as we play act and jump, and it really is an anthem for both children and adults that you are being called to go do something, but you don't know what it is or where it's going to lead you…

Imagine this Calling through the veil of unseen pain, grief and tragedy. I can see why so many people sit down and never get up again. They stop dreaming and doing the things they once loved. Many are living without full clarity, due to some form of drug or drugs. This leads to the “comfort” of certain foods and habits. This is a downhill slope.

In all the noise of the world everyone you’ve ever loved is not sitting within your walls and we should not block out their calls. His call.

This week I made steps in the direction of not giving up hope for my work, being involved in photography in some form and have been encouraged and inspired by new friends within the industry. I even entered a photo contest! Something deep down inside of me said, “I am never done with you and I am surrounding you again, delivering hope in the form of new friendship and encouragement.” I felt this so deeply I wanted to bust with joy.

The decision to live past my self-punishing ways and a deeply crushed heart has culminated in what I hope are answers to my health which will make a clearer pathway into a tomorrow that is never promised.

No fate is tragic if lived with purpose.

Anna knew this for Elsa.

God knows this for us.

Can’t resist the hashtag #pastmyprime I AM NOT DONE.