I Held Your Hand

and we built a home

“And I built a home
For you, for me
Until it disappeared
From me, from you
And now, it's time to leave
And turn to dust..”

- Cinematic Orchestra, To Build a Home

I held your hand and we flew away
I held your hand as we waved goodbye
I held your hand as I entered the altar
our mountain cabin so dear
I said I love you, I'm glad you are here
I held his hand as we said our vows
I held him close, I held them all
our home of dogs and cats and love

I held their paws and said goodbye
in our lime green home with the red Christmas lights
and the baby boy a life so new
he a version of me and you
and you drove an entire coast
to see our son who almost died
as I whispered in your ear and said goodbye
You are loved and you were the best.

I built a home with him, I held you close
and this is a place where I feel at home
the wind chimes, birds revived
sounds of sky and breath above
the garden he built in a storm from love
like you and I and them so dear
where my soul feels alive
with the dirt on my skin
 
And there she was perfectly gone
In black and white at Christmas she flew
I wrapped her up in soft blue
savored the perfection of death
My Phoebe fly catcher
of stings and restlessness
once a song in my garden
of heaven and hope counting days

And it is the new year waking
to find you were gone
Stay strong the Monks walked
as they prayed through the fog
disappearing in your image
they lay in the streets
where new turned to hate
as she cried on the wire

Crushed by the metal devil of time
You held my hand, she wasn't mine
for the little girl who waved goodbye
We walked outside on New Years Day
to see her sprawled beside the school
The baby squirrel screaming
there goes the mother I love
Can you hold my hand oh God above?

On Bourbon Street the ground arose
You picked her up as I held your hand
we flew away to a better land
where pain turns to perfect
and all eyes are dry
I see the world
from the tree on high
and we built a home...

you and them and I.


"Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed it's knees
By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as tightly as you held onto me"

- Cinematic Orchestra, To Build a Home 

To the lives lost and now home in heaven. And to those still not home.

Update (1/19/25): to those who have also suffered tremendously in the recent hurricanes and fires. May you carry home in your hearts as you rebuild.

A monk at Mount Angel Abbey going to chapel in the fog. Captured by my dad in his favorite place. 12-29-36 - 01-01-21