Body of Evidence
Once upon a season...
I woke from a dream last night.
It was 3 a.m. as I gagged my way into the bathroom, streams of tears running down my cheeks in an uncontrollable coughing fit. The blast of the heater felt like air conditioning.
Crawling back under piles of covers, I laid awake wondering where I was. I was not on medication.
Someone had meticulously done my makeup and hair while I sat at my messy desk. I felt my coat slipping onto my sore boney shoulders. The driver held open the door, wrapping a big soft blanket around me. We drove and drove. I could feel the chill seeping through the windows of the old silvery car, my chest unbearable with every breath. Entering the city, the oncoming headlights were blinding as the rain fell. The streets full of dark shadows stumbling into tents, passed out on cardboard, tucked into outside building foyers, some searching for shelter between the edifices in alleyways.
I had been holed away in my castle… slowly coming back to life. Escaping the physical burdens of the cold walls surrounding me, head held high, my heart was racing as I looked out the window. Struggling to breathe, she was there. Holding my hand she whispered… “Goodbye Nana” and disappeared.
We drove in slo-motion through a world I didn’t recognize. Between makeshift tents, hungry weathered faces, bare feet, chained frightened animals and robots of decay, there was no warmth. No protection. No hope.
I woke up in the hospital and realized that I was very sick. My body didn’t make it through those years and it spoke to me as if to say, “how could I? I was suffering in silence. But not like them. Not like the dark shadows of the streets. They will suffer and suffer and suffer until they are no more.”
Oh God please don’t take my coat I screamed. I am so very cold.
As I lay there remembering this vivid dream I knew I was in a season of reckoning again. I had made it. I was here preaching the good news. Blessed. “Keep going forward” my motto… yet I had left my body behind in a weight of estrangement so heavy that every time it got up and got going it was soon to be knocked down again.
During the first year I would waken from sobbing in my sleep.
In a normal world, seasons will bring us mental and physical highs and lows. They might not work in unison. When they don’t we have to walk through that season too, trying hard to not let our mind be frustrated with our physical brokenness. The mind and body connect like a big revolving circle. The body often hides from the mind and creeps back to warn you of its damage when you least expect it.
As I laid there wheezing, eyes watering, chills running from my toes to my face, I heard, “it is time to heal. Your body is very weak, but your mind is not.”
Last night, in a dream, a voice spoke to my battered beating heart laid bare for too long. A breathless, exhaustive punch. Like in elementary school when you see the kid with the sign on his back, “kick me,” this is where I’m at and I must come back. I must build back what was once upon a time a strong immune system. I can’t help others if I’m not stronger.
Everywhere that life challenges and drains you…
there is a body of evidence withering or screaming to get back up and fight.
We must get back up and fight.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights. - Habakkuk 3:19
Oh, so intense! What wretched dreams. I hope that your health improves soon. Keep writing, keep going, keep healing. Thank you for having the strength to share this ❤️
Dreams are so powerful, they’ve always been a big part of my life. You translated it so well, and it definitely is reflecting your life’s struggles. Wishing you the best in your recovery and healing ✨it is a life long journey. I can personally relate in so many ways.